As The Mother Of Teens, I Have To Be A Parent And A Friend

The author (not pictured) says the teen years can be confusing both for kids and parents.

Maskot/Getty Images/Maskot

• Once I got the hang of parenting little kids, my kids turned into teens.
• It's a confusing time for parents of teens and teens themselves.
• Things constantly change, and sometimes I'm a parent, and sometimes I'm a friend.

"Be their parent and not their friend." This has been an ongoing debate about parenting teens that I've heard since my oldest, who is now almost 20, hit the tween years. Parenting stirs strong emotions and even stronger opinions, especially when kids get old enough to make their own decisions.

The teen years bring a fierce battle for them between holding onto childhood and letting go of childish things. They want independence, but not all the time. It's a confusing time for kids. It's also a confusing time to be a parent.

I felt like I'd finally mastered parenting, but then the teen years hit, and I realized that the whole game had changed. Who was I supposed to be to them? Yes, I needed to be the rule maker, the wise mother figure giving advice and lessons. But could I also be their friend?

I was raised with the idea that parents could not be friends

This is what my grandparents had been when they raised me. We did not become friends until I was an adult. Of course, my grandparents and most of my friend's parents came from a time when kids were meant to be seen and not heard. Parents were never friends. They knew their role; I knew mine.

While I understood the sentiment behind the clearly defined boundaries dividing parenthood and friendship, I realized I wanted something different when I raised my kids. I wanted to be both a friend and a parent.

It wasn't easy at first to figure out how to be both. I had no blueprint to refer to. A good friend's qualities differ from those of a good parent. Friends don't make rules and teach you important life lessons like managing money and getting and keeping a job. They don't send you to your room to do homework or make sure you say thank you to relatives who sent you birthday presents. How could two unique roles live harmoniously?

Things constantly change in parenthood

I learned quickly that there is little that lives harmoniously in parenthood. Things are constantly changing. I discovered the best way to be both a friend and a parent was to figure out who my kids needed me to be in the moment. I became a chameleon who could morph into either a parent or friend when the situation called for it.

Were they struggling with a breakup or fighting with a friend? That was the time when I went into friend mode. Some retail therapy, a movie night, and a non-judgemental ear helped my kids understand that I got what they were going through. I was not just their mom but a person who had gone through breakups and heartache. I used this experience to help me help them. I have discovered that being both a parent and friend has allowed us to form a deeper bond and trust.

I remember taking my son to therapy, and the social worker commented, "You guys have a great relationship." I am convinced this is because I've been both a parent and friend and can navigate what my teens need at specific times.

Sometimes I'm a parent; other times I'm a friend

Sometimes, I have to be the parent, setting boundaries and guiding them. In dangerous situations, the parenting mode instinctually takes over. They must check in before a certain time at night. I need to know the names of friends and their parents. These are the rules, and I enforce them. I am the mother. I think because I've been a parent and a friend, they understand the variability of my roles in their lives.

I've also found there are times when I play both roles, like when I taught my son to cook. As his mother, it was an important skill to pass along. As a friend, we used it as an opportunity to hang out. We listened to music, bonding over our shared love of Pearl Jam, The Smashing Pumpkins, and Nirvana. He introduced me to bands I'd never heard of. I sat down with my teenage kids each evening and watched a show. They weren't doing me a favor by hanging out with me. In those moments, we were friends who enjoyed each other's company. They were magical times that I still hold onto now as they morph into adults. Luckily, I have two more following behind them, an 11 and a 13-year-old.

I'm glad I've had the opportunity to be both my kids' parents and friends. It was never an either-or situation for me. Being both has been a gift that has enriched and deepened my relationship with all four of my kids.