I Didn't Realize How Little I Knew About Money Until My Wife Sat Me Down Before We Got Married: She Wanted A Partner, Not An Employee

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Rob Phelan; Derek Abella for BI

• When I moved in with my now-wife, I knew almost nothing about personal finance.
• To work together as a couple, I needed to learn more about money, and it became my passion.
• This article is part of "Milestone Moments," a series about financial planning for major life events.

When my now-wife and I moved in together, before we were married, we faced the usual growing pains of a relationship progressing to a new stage. While learning to share a living space was relatively easy, combining our finances revealed just how different our backgrounds were.

Fresh out of grad school and new to the US from Ireland, I had little in savings, no retirement account, and no credit score. I'd barely scraped by on a $10,000 yearly stipend while pursuing my master's degree.

She was well on her way in her career, contributing to her 401(k) and IRA and saving part of her income each month. She'd been building her credit since her teens, with her father's guidance.

Our financial-education gap

Like many young adults, I didn't receive any formal education in managing my finances. My lack of financial knowledge was stark, but my wife's understanding of personal finance was also uncommon. It's not sustainable for one partner to remain uninvolved in the household's financial decisions — but that was the scenario we found ourselves in.

A turning point was when my wife discovered that I had no health insurance during grad school. Her shock matched my embarrassment, especially when I realized that an injury from playing or coaching college soccer could have left me in serious debt. In Ireland, we had universal healthcare, which my parents managed without much discussion. Coming to the US, I simply didn't know what I didn't know.

My wife sat me down to address our imbalance. She didn't embrace her position as the "money person" in the house; she shared how overwhelming it felt to make all our financial decisions alone. She wanted a true financial partner, not an employee. She wanted to avoid arguments about spending and to share the responsibility.

Learning about money became my passion

I had always considered myself an equal partner, but somehow I'd comfortably left finances as "her thing." It was time to step away from the safety net of her expertise and start contributing.

The timing was perfect: I was about to start teaching a personal-finance class to high-school seniors, so I now had double the motivation to immerse myself in financial literacy.

What began as a necessity quickly became a passion. I dove headfirst into personal finance, consuming books, podcasts, radio shows, and articles about money management. I learned about the FIRE movement, which focuses on building wealth and achieving enough financial security to make work optional. This concept lit a spark in me.

With new enthusiasm, I wanted to improve our finances and pass this knowledge on to my students.

Building a money team

For the first time, my wife and I were a team when it came to finances. We made decisions together as equals, each understanding and taking ownership of our shared goals. We began budgeting together, tracking expenses through the app YNAB, and discussing how to use our finances to achieve our dreams.

Arguments over spending faded as we made a plan and focused on managing our expenses mindfully, increasing our income streams, and working toward a life we both envisioned.

We also made some practical changes, like opening a joint checking account for shared bills and a joint savings account for emergency funds, travel, and other goals.

Over time, I became the "money nerd" of our household. Still, my wife stays engaged at every step. A division of labor in a relationship is natural, but it's crucial that both partners stay informed about finances to avoid vulnerability.

This shift toward an equal partnership in financial decision-making transformed our relationship and our approach to money. Learning about personal finance allowed us to take control of our future and align our spending and saving with our goals. Now we're building the life we both want — together.