My Husband Is Obsessed With Cutting Costs, But He Lets Our Kids Go Hungry To Save Money. How Do I Get Him To Be Reasonable?

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• For Love & Money is a column from Business Insider answering your relationship and money questions.
• This week, a reader's husband allows his kids to go hungry to avoid spending money.
• Our columnist says he needs to change — but his worries about the budget can be addressed too.
• Got a question for our columnist? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.

Dear For Love & Money,

My husband grew up poor. He missed meals, wore shoes until they fell off his feet, and went without electricity until his family could afford the bill. He was the kind of poor that, growing up middle class, I thought only existed in movies.

Now, he's a salesman, and I'm a teacher. We have three kids, and we get by. We've always had enough, even when it gets tight.

We have financial goals and try to set aside money for our retirement. The problem is that my husband always wants to put those financial goals ahead of the well-being of our family. He tries to institute rules like monthly grocery budgets that allow us to put more money in savings, and if we run out of food for the month, we go without.

In the past, I've gone out of town while he stayed home with the kids, and he's bragged about how they didn't grocery shop once, even after they ran out of food, forcing the kids to tough it out and make do. I was appalled, but he saw it as an achievement.

I don't want our kids to experience the kind of deprivation he did. I don't think he does either, as he remembers it being traumatic for him and his siblings, but at the same time, he seems to believe it builds character, and our kids need the same struggle.

Mostly, I have been able to set the standard for our family, but it has led to a lot of conflict over where our financial goals rank on the priority list. How do I talk to him about this?

Sincerely,

Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

As parents, we want to eliminate as much pain, hardship, and risk as possible from our children's lives. At the same time, we know kids need hardship and risk to grow into adults who can overcome obstacles with grace and determination. So, while I understand where your husband is coming from, I also don't think it's safe or acceptable to let your kids go hungry because your monthly grocery budget is blown.

Recognizing your husband's intent is your best bet for getting on the same page. Not to make your marriage too corporate, but scheduling regular strategy meetings with your husband to discuss your hopes for your kids and how you each want to get there will create an excellent opportunity for you to show him that you have the same values for your kids that he does and allow you to come up with a mutually agreeable plan.

However, there is another side to your husband's tendency toward deprivation, and that is the financial savings that occur every time you eliminate spending — even when it's essential.

Traditional budgets don't leave much wiggle room, so when anything changes, it's stressful to see your budget breakdown every time the price of eggs goes up. If you're worried about retirement, the temptation is to simply not let this happen.

Cutting the food budget seems easy, because while we must eat to survive, the quality and even the quantity are negotiable. Clothing budgets offer the same flexibility, and extracurriculars like sports and music are voluntary, so you don't have to pay for them at all.

In general, if you don't want to flex your overall budget, squeezing grocery, clothing, and extracurriculars can feel like the best solution. The problem for families with children, however, is that these cuts disproportionately impact kids.

Kids are still growing and need more healthy food than seems possible, as well as increasingly bigger clothes. They're learning their interests, so they ask for extracurriculars to help them explore who they are and who they want to become.

As your husband tragically experienced, kids can live without these extras, but while missing meals may build character, it won't build strong bones. Wearing clothes two sizes too small will keep them mostly warm in the winter but also impact their social lives. And never trying out for extracurriculars could deprive the world of the next Patrick Mahomes, Yo-Yo Ma, or Steve Jobs.

As dramatic as this may sound, it's why we spend so much money on our children. They are the world's future, but on a more personal level — our future as parents. I'm not encouraging you to view your kids as an alternative retirement plan, but while launching them into successful adulthood will free up your golden years, failing to do so is a quick way to sabotage not just their future but your own.

All that said, your question was how to convince your husband. First, don't second guess your leadership in this area simply because your husband seems to believe that going without is a moral victory. You said you've "mostly set the standard" for your family, and there's no reason for that to change. Second, recognize that he isn't entirely wrong. Your kids can go without some things.

This is where those parenting strategy meetings come in. Set up an allowance system that makes your kids work for their indulgences. Don't say yes to everything; whether it's no to the drive-thru when it's cheaper to pack a lunch or no to building a name-brand sneaker collection for them, allow them to experience not getting everything they want. You can save money on your kids and build their characters while you do it, but to your point, this doesn't mean prioritizing your retirement over their basic needs.

Sit down with a financial planner and your husband to come up with a sustainable blueprint that will put you on track for financial security after you leave the workforce. Having a plan and seeing a positive financial forecast should give your husband the peace of mind he needs to stop squirreling away every spare cent for a scary, unknown future. This will allow him to rest in the financial security you've built together and are now giving your children.

Rooting for you,

For Love & Money

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