The Art Of Guiding Young Adults With Adhd Into The World

The Age of Uncertainty is upon us. In this era, delayed adulthood (not necessarily a failure to launch) is the new normal, in no small part because Gen Z is less hopeful about the future than prior generations. Jumping headfirst into economic, social, and environmental upheaval is understandably not appealing, and so young adults pull back.

This generation faces unparalleled challenges, but the themes of emerging adulthood remain constant: identity exploration and feelings of in-betweenness. From navigating opposition and disillusionment to exploring independence, here are the skills young adults need today — and ways that parents can help them approach these pain points.

Going Nowhere, Fast: How to Counter Pessimism and Opposition

Q: How do we get our child past the why-bother-because-the-world-sucks attitude? This mentality has kept my child from making moves post-college graduation and contributing to the household. Gaming is the only thing that interests them — they oppose almost all our ideas.

Solution: Explore Non-Withdrawal

You can’t make your child think that the world doesn’t suck. And your child isn’t alone in thinking that the world is a dreary place. Many members of Gen Z protest the state of the world by choosing to withdraw from it, mostly by escaping into the virtual. But you can explore — in a non-judgmental, non-hostile way — why your child thinks the world sucks, and whether they can participate in it anyway.

• Go with it. Ask, “If the world sucks, what do you think is going to happen down the road for you? Where do you see this all going?” This won’t be a one-time conversation.
• Show genuine curiosity. Say, “It must be so hard for you to feel like you don’t have any opportunities that are worthwhile in today’s world — that you don’t feel able to mobilize to do the things that you want to do. That must be really tough.”
• Give the benefit of the doubt. Avoid unsolicited advice or digs at your child’s bothersome behaviors (like sleeping all day and staying up all night to game). It only feeds oppositionality.
• Negotiate when the time comes. Most young adults eventually become bored of non-participation, which is good. It opens the door for you to fashion, in collaboration with your child, a way for them to have time to do what they want (in this case, gaming) and contribute to the family household.
• Build up to talks about their goals, not yours. Once your child begins engaging in negotiation, revisit the world-sucks conversation, and add in questions about values and aspirations. Ask:
  • You do care about some things. What might you be able to discover by taking those values and putting them into action?
  • What goals do you have? How can we help you get there? How might we come up with a transition plan?
  • What appeals to you? What might you find fun and rewarding (that also happens to bring you income)?

[Read: 5 Life Skills Every Young Adult with ADHD Should (Eventually) Master]

It’s-Everyone’s-Fault-ism: How to Instill Ownership

Q: My son blames all bad outcomes, such as lost job opportunities, on others. He does not see his role, and he doesn’t wonder what he could do differently next time. How can I help him develop self-awareness and a growth mindset?

Solution: What Floats Your Child’s Boat?

You’ll inspire your child to take ownership of his career and life not by telling him to be more responsible, but by engaging his motivational system.

Be Curious About Frustrations

Say your son abruptly quit his relatively new job because he “hated it.” Use the experience to start a conversation that taps into your child’s motivations.

You: What parts of the job did you hate the most?

Son: The inflexible work hours and how boring some of my tasks were.

You: I see. It seems like these aspects really matter to you, and you weren’t getting what you hoped for from this job. Were there aspects of the job that you liked?

Son: I liked days when I had variability and when I got to use my creative side.

You: It sounds like you know what you want out of a future role. How might you ensure that your next job has more of what motivates you — even enough to put up with the boring parts?

You can take the conversation in multiple directions — from how your son can manage boredom on the job to how he can find opportunities for creativity even when it’s not part of the job description. Either way, this approach will help your child view problems interactively and consider his role in the solution.

Shift to a ‘Try’ Mindset

For many with ADHD, blaming others often develops as a defense mechanism against feeling like a failure, which can turn into learned helplessness and avoidance — the “I’d rather not give myself a chance” mindset. As best you can, teach your son to try, learn from failure, and try again. Say, “Well, maybe that didn’t work out. What else might we try? We’re here for you — let us know when you’re ready to talk.”

[Recommended Reading: “Why Does Fear of Failure Paralyze My Teen with ADHD?”]

Helping or Hurting? How to Support Without Enabling

Q: “My son is always asking me for money. He’s in his late 20s and he moved to another city a few years ago to try to make it in a niche business. He’s taken a regular job while trying to make inroads, but he constantly asks for financial help. I give him what he asks for because he’s in survival mode, and I don’t want to be a dream crusher. Am I supporting or enabling him?”

Solution: Support with Limits & Don’t Swoop In

One of the most daunting yet key aspects of parenting a young adult is knowing when and how much to step back. Young adults need to struggle so they can learn how to resolve problems. Jumping in to save them entirely is not doing them any favors. Everyone struggles to find their way, and your job is to manage your anxiety if you see your child experiencing this normal difficulty. Remember, you’re parenting an adult — not a child or an adolescent — who desperately wants to figure it out for themselves.

At the same time, supporting your young adult in pursuing their dream and giving them a chance at it is a good thing — so long as you’ve expressed your expectations and limits. Consider how much you’ve provided to your son so far, and how much more (if anything) you’re comfortable providing. Communicate your limits with your child and discuss how he’ll live within a budget in his city. Keep in mind that a parental subsidy is the norm today, where so many young, well-educated people take low-paying jobs to get by while the cost of living continues to soar.

What Is Adulthood, Anyway?

Q: My 20-year-old kid seems so far from adulthood. I was far more mature at their age. Is my child stalled or am I being too hard on them?

Solution: Take a Step Back

The picture of adulthood has changed considerably. By your mid-20s, you were expected to have completed your education and/or established a career path, become financially independent, found a partner, and become a parent. Today, this process lasts through the 20s and well into the 30s. And let’s keep in mind that the post-COVID world is harder for youth, who lost in-person schooling and now see greater skill deficits. For young people with ADHD, it can take longer to reach the milestones of adulthood due to executive function challenges.

Is it about you? Your biases and assumptions may be making it harder for you to view your child and their circumstances objectively. Ask yourself:

• “How different are my adult child’s experiences from my own at that age?”
• “Do I need to give them more parental or adult guidance than I got?”
• “Do I view my adult child as a kid or as an adult?”
• “Do I judge myself ― or them ― if they’re not flourishing?”
• “Is this delay in growing up a period of self-discovery ― or self-indulgence?”

If your young adult really has failed to launch, help them start to address issues (but not solve them). Interventions for executive function difficulties, which interfere with setting and meeting goals, may help. CBT for executive dysfunction, for example, can help your child better understand ADHD, learn how to handle stress, procrastination, and negative thoughts, and modify their environment so they can thrive.

Failure to Launch? Next Steps for Thriving with ADHD

• Get This Free Download: Transform Your Teen’s Apathy Into Engagement
• Read: Teaching Generation Z How to Hope
• Read: How to Adult ― 6 Rules for Embracing Independence with ADHD
• Get This eBook: The Adult’s Guide to Stronger Executive Functions

The content for this article was derived from the ADDitude ADHD Experts webinar titled, “The Journey to Independence: A Parent’s Guide to Delayed Adulthood with ADHD” [Video Replay & Podcast #503] with Anthony Rostain, M.D., M.A., which was broadcast on May 1, 2024.

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