Wife, Double His Strength

“Who’s going to ride in the front?” I asked my sister. We were standing on a Florida sidewalk, staring at a beautiful sky-blue tandem bike. It was ours for the next four hours.

“I will,” she said confidently. And I was secretly glad. The proverbial bicycle-built-for-two was somewhat scary in person. How on earth are we going to make it go without falling over? I thought.

I carefully lifted my leg over the back wheels and grabbed hold of the nonfunctioning handlebars in front of me. She jumped onto the front seat and aimed the wheel toward Highway 30A, ready to begin our teenage adventure of biking to town for lunch.

Bicycle Built for Two

Marrying a man is like climbing onto the back of a tandem bike.

You already knew how to ride a normal bike. That was second nature; it was simple. If you crashed, you crashed. But you were the only person who got a skinned knee, and you were the only person to blame for the fall.

When you marry a man, you climb off that solo bike and voluntarily climb onto the back of a tandem bike. Like it or not, your husband has been set on the front end, and he is responsible for what happens to that bike. You have now entered a relationship of leadership and response in which you both experience the falls, the views, and the victories — together.

Being in the front seat of a tandem bike is tough. But as it turns out, the back seat is a terrifying challenge of its own. While riding with my sister, I quickly learned that the second position on a tandem bike requires fearlessness, hard work, and skill. To get moving, you have to pick up your feet — without knowing exactly what the person in front is about to do. Then you have to pedal hard — as hard as if you were the solo biker — but without steering. Then you have to develop the art of leaning with the person in front, putting your feet back down just as the brakes are being applied, and watching the leader’s head for signs of the next turn.

Following a man’s lead requires even more fearlessness, hard work, and skill. But when the relationship of leadership and response is working well, it is as head-turning as a sky-blue tandem bicycle sailing down the boardwalk. And when a man’s strength is directed toward a goal — building a church, a home, a ministry, or a business — you, as a wife, will soon discover that you’re in a unique position to double that strength.

But you’ll also discover that, if you were to choose to work against him, your position on the tandem bike makes it easy for you to do so. All you’d have to do is put your feet down. He might be able to muscle the bike forward, but the going will be slow, frustrating, and awkward. If you really wanted, you might even be able to stop him in his tracks. You can tear your own house down with your bare hands (Proverbs 14:1).

It’s easy to ride in the second position poorly. Many women do. Sapping the strength of a man is easy. But learning to augment his strength, to bring compound growth from his masculine energies so that together you are more than the sum of your parts — that is a true challenge. It’s also the kind of glory that ricochets into the world and down through generations. To this end, consider three ways that a wife can double, rather than hinder, her husband’s strength.

1. Cheer him on.

Don’t ever underestimate what praise can do for a man. Many have seen what it looks like when a frustrated wife tries to motivate her passive husband to bigger and better things by reminding him daily of his failures. Faced with the disappointments of marriage, she tries to communicate his failures to him more, and in more detail — as if the problem is a gap in information.

Has she forgotten the “catch more flies with honey” principle, something she may have understood as a child or even a young woman going on dates? A kind word, a “thank you” with a smile, an intentional piece of feedback about something he does well — this is how you motivate any human person, male or female. But for a man, it is perhaps most crucial.

The flow of criticism is how you hamstring him. It is how you become a thorn in his side instead of a rib under his arm. It is the way you sap his strength and vitality.

If you want to double his strength, encourage his heart, fill his sails with air and get the ship moving, words of grace are perhaps the greatest tool you possess. Use those words! Remember that as the person in the front seat, he has a witness looking over his shoulder at every mistake he has made since the day he jumped off his solo bike and started learning how to steer this much bigger and heavier one. Have mercy on him, and be the kind of witness who makes him feel bigger, not smaller.

Share your thoughts and dreams, and listen attentively to his, watching for the areas of overlap. Be the person who says, “Yes, and . . .” instead of, “But what about . . . ?” and, “Thank you for . . .” instead of, “Why didn’t you . . . ?”

2. Pedal hard in your gifts.

The rear position on the bike is anything but passive. That was the biggest surprise to me when I was navigating the Florida sidewalks with my sister — it was hard and necessary work. She couldn’t have done it without me. But with my focused energy — with our energies combined — we achieved both grace and speed, even on that oversized boat of a bicycle.

When you develop your own feminine giftings — in hospitality (Proverbs 31:15, 20), in wise biblical counsel (Proverbs 31:26), in side hustles (Proverbs 31:16, 18, 24), in exercise (Proverbs 31:17), in fearless faith (Proverbs 31:25), in training children (Proverbs 31:28), in budgeting (Proverbs 31:21), in planning and organization (Proverbs 31:27) — you extend your husband’s reach beyond anything he could accomplish alone. Like the woman in Proverbs 31, your uniquely feminine skills are necessary to reach the family’s goals and even to establish your husband’s reputation (Proverbs 31:23). You will do him good, and not harm, all the days of your life (Proverbs 31:12).

He will be better able to tend to his responsibilities if you are tending to yours with all the creativity and diligence you possess. His peace of mind and enjoyment of life, his productivity and the health of your children — much of this comes down to the excellence of a wife.

Pedal hard, and watch the road fly by.

3. Follow his lead.

A personal temptation of mine is to forget this one. I will often set out on a mission of extending my husband’s reach, of being the Proverbs 31 woman with many hobbies and projects, ostensibly to support my husband from the back of the bike and double his strength.

But often, when I’m running at full speed in pursuit of a given “family goal,” I discover that I’ve forgotten to check that goal against the litmus test of his vision and leading, or even just his personal desires. This is where the rubber meets the road in helping our husbands: Can we trust his direction when he points the steering wheel down a street on which we’d rather not go, or when he misses the turn we assumed he wanted to take?

Does he want your whole family to eat gluten-free? Does he want you to have that side gig as an influencer? Does he want you to spend time teaching a class for other people’s kids when it seems to be a season of extra neediness for your own toddler? Does he really care whether you have your own chickens or become a screen-free family? Obviously, there are areas of life where your husband will not have an opinion, some that he will even explicitly tell you to place under your own domain. But it is still best to ask. And his answers may surprise you.

A wise man will listen to the case his wife makes for a passion project, a new personal discipline, or a ministry opportunity. He will hear her out as she describes possible shortcuts or scenic routes. But in the end, your husband is the one who has been placed behind the wheel. A wise woman will learn to make her case with an open hand, and then she will actually follow the course that he charts.

This, in turn, will free him up for better decision-making and more confident leadership. If he often has to go back and reiterate his desires because you choose not to hear them the first time, it saps energy from both of you.

Submission to Your Savior

When I was young, my dad would talk to us girls about how much power a woman can pump into her husband’s life if she supports and respects him. “You can be the wind in his wings,” he would say. I was completely on board.

I didn’t understand the challenge until I got married. I never realized how high the stakes would feel when you’re with a man for life — the rest of your life — and if he makes a mistake on the front of that bike, you experience the consequences.

This is where it is so important to understand what the dance of masculine leadership and feminine response is really all about. You don’t submit to a man because he is such a godlike being, because all his ways are glory, all his insights are profound, all his plans will come to pass, and every movement of his beatific face sends you into ecstasies of admiration. You submit to a man because your God, your King, your Savior has told you to do so.

All of Christ’s ways are glory. All of his insights are profound. All of his plans will come to pass. The God-man who has always deserved every ounce of your love, energy, and allegiance has choreographed this dance for you and your husband, and he has given you feminine steps to walk through. It is for your good and his glory.

That is the motive. That is the vision you pursue. If your husband doesn’t always inspire complete confidence — because he is a human man on a heavy bike, and life is hard — that is all right. He is not the one who holds your family in the palm of his hand. He is the image and glory of God, but he is not God himself.

If your husband is in Christ, God is making him into somebody who is more glorious with every passing year. He is doing the same for you. But the two of you — in your fallen, dying bodies and with your simple, selfish thoughts — were never the thing to believe in.

In submitting to your Savior, you will learn the lesser art of submitting to the man he has joined you to. Primarily, you will learn to trust your perfect, omnipotent Leader to bring you through the sweet and sorrowful things he has ordained for you and your family. You know he has promised to triumph and glorify himself in your life, even in failure. And as this Man fills your vision, you’ll be filled with the strength you need to pick up your feet and lean with the imperfect leader who is on the bike in front of you.