Unitedhealthcare Is Now Medicare For All

Here at UnitedHealthcare, we understand just how valuable your health is. It’s why we’re in the business of health care. Why nearly 49.5 million Americans count on us for their coverage. And why we’re eighth on the Fortune 500.

Yet despite revenues reaching $1.39 trillion in 2023, poll after poll shows that Americans are unhappy with our services as an industry writ large and would much prefer the government do our job. In light of recent events, we’ve done some soul-searching as to where we went wrong. Was it because our skilled nursing home denial rate increased ninefold between 2019 and 2022? Or that we used an AI model with a 90 percent error rate to deny patients the care their physicians deemed necessary? Perhaps it had to do something with the fact that denying all this life-saving coverage led to us making $22 billion in profits?

Who can say? But as a customer-centered business, your opinion is important to us. It’s clear that if we are to earn back your trust—and our safety—we must do better. We must become what you want us to be. This is why we are proud to announce that UnitedHealthcare is rebranding as Medicare For All.

For far too long, American health care has been subject to the whims of a handful of for-profit private corporations, acting more like feudal Europe than a modern health care system. It’s time we have a national health insurance system subject to the whims of a single for-profit private megacorporation—namely, us.

Can you believe in this day and age that over thirty-one million Americans live without health insurance and that medical bills are the number one reason for bankruptcies nationwide? We can.

We believe, like you, that health care is a human right. Every man, woman, and child in America should have the privilege of enrolling in our private, for-profit health insurance plans. In fact, our lobbyists will guarantee it.

The United States spends significantly more national GDP on health care per person than any other major country, yet has among the worst outcomes among high-income nations. This is a national scandal—especially since only some of that money goes to us. When we are the only healthcare system in town, we promise to get every dime.

No more will your life-saving care require depleting your life savings in the name of profit. We will now deplete them in the name of socialized medicine.

The solution is clear: a single-payer system where you, the patient, pay us, the sole health insurance company in the United States, for the potential to receive medical care. Anything less would be socialism. Or is it capitalism? Sorry, we’re still getting used to this.

Our revolutionary rebrand is more than a corporate maneuver to exploit a popular policy while papering over our perception as parasitic middlemen who play doctor while forcing actual doctors to deny essential care. It’s also going to make us rich.

To our customers and caregivers, we promise to provide the same lack of diligence and care that you have come to expect from us, but now in the guise of the very thing that you actually like.

And to our shareholders, enjoy the dividends.