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Asking Eric: Caregiver Abandoned By Siblings

Dear Eric:

I am a retired 70-year-old. My mother is 93 and lives alone about 20 miles from me. She has lived in her home for more than 50 years, is relatively healthy and can still take care of herself.

We have discussed assisted-living facilities, but she strongly wishes to remain in her home.

I am her primary caregiver. She does not drive. For 10 years, I have taken her to all of her many doctor appointments, done her grocery shopping, driven in to respond to late-night “emergencies” and taken care of everything she needs.

I do not get compensated in any way, shape or form. I have three younger siblings. Two live out of town and one lives even further from my mother than I do.

I am frustrated with their lack of understanding how much I do.

Lately, I have started to think about how much this has been costing me over the years. By taking care of my mother, my siblings all stand to inherit thousands of dollars more than if she were in assisted living and we’d have to use the proceeds of selling her home to pay for it.

So, I am putting them in a better financial position while I continue to take care of my mother. None of them have ever brought up any type of compensation for all I do. In fact, the only one who offers me gas money or money for my time is my mother. (Which I refuse.) She gets it, why don’t they? They are clueless and I am extremely frustrated.

– Caregiver Sibling

Dear Caretaker:

The fatigue and frustration you’re feeling is understandable. It’s also hard to navigate. While you love your mother and want to do what you can to make her life as good as possible, there are aspects of caregiving that can be overwhelming. Many people in caregiver roles for family members experience similarly difficult emotions, which is why you’ll find support groups for caregivers in person and online. This may be a helpful option for you, too.

Try to separate the future financials from your mother’s needs in the present. Money is a red herring here. Not to say it doesn’t matter, rather that the imbalance you’re feeling is largely emotional, but it more easily latches on to something concrete like money.

Yes, the siblings may inherit more than they would have. But if you hadn’t made the sacrifices you’ve made, your mom wouldn’t be as happy. Remembering the why behind your actions will help reorient them.

Think also about what you really want from your siblings. If it’s actually compensation, then say that. If it’s more thanks, say that, too. I fear that what you really want is some time back, some more help in the past. I’m sorry that they can’t provide that. But they also haven’t gotten the benefit of the time you’ve spent with your mother.

This is a complex experience. Being clear about what you’re feeling and what you’re asking for and from whom will help you see what’s possible and what needs to be accepted.

Dear Eric:

The letter from the woman whose husband never gave feedback on her various hobbies (No Comment) reminded me of a similar situation involving me and a friend. This friend knew I was a freelance writer and occasionally asked to see my work. She was going on a long road trip, so I thought it was time to loan her a few newspaper and magazine clippings.

I’m not Tolstoy, but I’m good enough to have been published many times over the last few decades.

This friend returned from her trip and told me she had read the pieces. That was it. No comment. Nothing at all. What in the world does this mean? I purposely have not asked for feedback. It’s obvious that I would be looking for some sort of critique or comment.

I’m assuming this friend isn’t much of a writer. OK, no worries. We all have different talents. Is she jealous? I’ve never had a reaction like this, especially from someone who had been bugging me to hand over some of my essays and articles.

– Curious Writer

Dear Writer:

If you’ve purposefully not asked for feedback, wouldn’t it seem rude of your friend to give it unsolicited? True, we all like to hear that we did a good job, but I think you should take your encouragement from the fact that your friend asked to read your work in the first place. She then actually read your work and told you that she read it. Of all the things to do with one’s time, she chose to spend it with words you crafted. What an honor. As Oprah once exclaimed to Lindsay Lohan, “Let’s celebrate that!”

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

Read Asking Eric Columns on Boulder Daily Camera, Loveland Reporter-Herald, Longmont Times-Call, Greeley Tribune, Fort Morgan Times, Sterling Journal-Advocate

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Asking Eric: Caregiver Abandoned By Siblings

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