Dating With A Distractable Mind

True story: A stand-up comedian asked her live audience members to shout out their mental health diagnoses. The loudest and proudest response? ADHD! The comedian responded: “I have ADHD, too. I’ll be making out with a guy and thinking about the movie Space Jam.”

Is that what dating with ADHD is like? Hinge, the popular online dating app, wanted to find out. So, it surveyed more than 9,000 “global daters” with an ADHD diagnosis to learn how dating is different for them versus their neurotypical peers. Here’s what Hinge found:

• 82% said they were seeking a relationship but struggled with social interactions and emotional processing
• 75% said they felt misunderstood by their matches because…
  • 43% often forgot to respond to matches in a timely manner (typically 24 hours), so…
  • 32% felt misunderstood when matches assumed they weren’t interested or had ghosted them
• 45% said conversations with prospective matches felt boring and repetitive
• 40% said they felt overwhelmed

[Free Download: Manage ADHD’s Impact on Your Relationship]

Online Dating Tips

As Valentine’s Day approaches, Hinge offers these tips for daters with ADHD:

• Be upfront about your communication preferences. Say, “Hey, I’m not on my phone often, and I don’t want you to think I’m not interested when I don’t respond immediately. I hope you’ll see that my actions (in person!) speak louder than words.”
• Set reminders. Log in daily to keep the conversations moving forward.
• Shift to a phone or video date to avoid mixed messages or misunderstandings.
• Keep dating exciting. Talk to people who make you feel hopeful and eager to get to know them more.

“Many people have the limiting belief of, ‘There’s nobody out there, all the good ones are taken,’ and that’s not true,” said Amie Leadingham, master certified relationship coach, during the ADDitude webinar “Conscious Dating with ADHD: How to Avoid Toxic Relationships and Find Your Ideal Match.” “It has a lot to do with how we’re choosing and engaging people in the dating process. As you learn to be more mindful, you will attract somebody of quality who can be emotionally available for you.”

Leadingham recommends making yourself a priority during the dating process. This means focusing more on whether someone is a good fit for you instead of people-pleasing and trying to be a good fit for them. “Don’t pretend to be something you’re not,” she said. “Your authenticity is your best attraction tool.”

Don’t rush into a relationship. “Recognize that, with online dating, you are only seeing the tip of the iceberg,” Leadingham said. “You’re seeing 10 percent of this person. There’s this whole other 90 percent — their beliefs, world views, values, quirks, flaws — that haven’t come to the surface yet. The goal is to learn about the person and see who they are when they’re not trying to impress you.”

[Free Self-Test: Is My Relationship Toxic?]

The traits that draw you to someone may repel someone else. That’s why it’s so important to listen to your gut (and not other people’s opinions) and take time getting to know someone.

Finding a Match

ADDitude asked readers: What do you adore about your partner with ADHD? Here are some of their heartwarming responses.

“They can find a solution to anything!”

“Energy. Goofy amounts of unbounded energy.”

“Both my partner and I have ADHD. What I love about him are the kind reminders, writing down our activities, and how he knows that I have sensory issues. He has hyperfocus bouts when he makes food, bakes bread, or plays his instruments. He gets so happy in those spaces.”

“His most endearing trait is that he tries to help everyone out. He would give you the shirt off his back in a snowstorm.”

“I love his spontaneous spirit.”

“I’ve been with my husband for 25 years. He’s been all in from the first date, and I’m happy to say this is still my biggest crush.”

“I love him because he loves my crazy and passionate nature.”

Online Dating Tips: Next Steps

• Download: Understanding Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria
• Learn: “How Do I Avoid Oversharing on a First Date?”
• Read: Dating Advice & Strategies for Adults with ADHD

Carole Fleck is Editor-in-Chief at ADDitude magazine.

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