I Burned The Haystack And Just Found Smoke

A new dating approach promises a better dating experience, but not a match for its users.

I discovered the Burned Haystack Dating Method (BHDM) about a year ago. It was referenced a few times in a single parent group I’m in, both negatively and positively. I joined the BHDM Facebook group, read the rules, and found it resonated deeply with my experience as an over-40 online dater. I have always been a focused dater with consistent expectations of what I’m looking for. Blank profile? Pass. Using your profile as a space to air your grievances about women? Nah. Reaching out before reading my profile with a tepid “hey” “how are you?” “smile emoji” or anything indicating you haven’t taken a few minutes to read about me and figure out who you’re talking to? I’ll do without. Burning the haystack refers to an efficient clearing away of all the “hay” so you can find your “needle”. It’s a ruthless and efficient method of ruling men out, as well as being mindful of the emotional labor many of us put into dating and relationships. The only issue with this ruthless method of dating is that once you rule just about everyone out, there may not be anyone left.

In the beginning, reading BHDM rules of conduct felt vindicating; I had been using a similar no-bullshit approach for years. I welcomed founder Jennie Young’s additional rules that also took into account the mental well-being of people using the apps: the apps are not a place to hang out and spend time (check it once a day, turn off alerts, no ludic looping), blocking is more effective than left-swiping (block profiles when you know someone isn’t a match so apps don’t recycle profiles back to you), no fighting with men, no men that can’t plan a date, etc.

The other thing BHDM offered is an analysis of rhetorical patterns, otherwise known as the common off-putting things men say on dating apps. The founder of BHDM is a professor and scholar of linguistics and regularly posts short Instagram videos explaining why some common phrases and sentiments expressed by men on dating apps feel so icky and annoying. Some of my favorite videos are “Six flags or red flags?”, “All you cuddle bears are giving us the ick”, “Designing my AI girlfriend”, and “Opposite impossible woman”. Jennie aims to expose the subtext behind the text in making these videos. I’d long identified that coming across text that felt either like a cliché or meaningless platitude was off-putting. The explanation videos took me further in understanding what was likely behind the use of some of the most frequently seen phrasing in dating profiles.

All of this is good stuff. Because BHDM isn’t a dating coaching service, there are no promises, “join our program and you’ll find your match in 3 months using our method!”. But, the work of BHDM is to find a long-term compatible match. If you follow the rules, you will likely find yourself with very few matches. Jennie is clear about this; BHDM is looking for quality, not quantity (this approach differs from most dating advice I read that just wants you to get the hell on out there with whomever). Once you have burned your haystack to the ground, and the smoke clears, you will hopefully be left with fewer but more promising individuals. Hopefully.

You might however, be left with nothing. For weeks, months, even a year (It’s been about 8 months since I’ve been on a date). And that leads me to what I see as missing, or not being spoken about enough: there are not enough men out there for all of us that will pass the BHDM standards. Many of us will remain alone. Maybe for years, maybe for the rest of our lives. There are weekly posts shared in the Facebook group where daters share their success stories, but I have found that these stories don’t inspire me, and instead make me feel like I’m looking at a lottery winner: someone who got very lucky. I skip over the posts now. I have enough couples in my life.

There are occasional references to living a life without a partner, shared memes and tweets. I don’t feel that the subject is taboo in the group and can’t be spoken about, just that it isn’t spoken about enough. I know I’m not the only one staring down the rest of my life alone and feeling something like dread. I have mastered being alone. I have mastered being alone with a kid. I know I can do it, I’ve done it for years. Every year since my son could speak somewhat logically he has asked me what I want for my birthday. This question hits a sore spot each time. I tell him I have everything I want. What I mean is I have everything I want that I have some control over getting. I am lonely. It’s unwieldy and embarrassing. It doesn’t go away, long after you can tell the topic has hit its expiration date with your friends. I talk about it less, but I feel it heavy.

I have come across comments from dating coaches on social media that have referred to BHDM as toxic, and detrimental. They know it will hurt their bottom line; less matches. Less couples. I understand why they feel as they do, just the same as I understand why people stay in relationships that aren’t healthy much longer than they should. The alternative, for many of us, is loneliness. I have chosen the loneliness, it’s been me that has broken from relationships that I felt were no longer working. I would, in fact, rather be alone. Not forever though.

I will continue to date BHDM-style. My uncompromising expectations have led me to several wonderful people throughout the years, though it’s never been a forever love. I have felt that with the passing years its gotten harder though, my stock has plummeted. My hair has gotten greyer, a kid has complicated life, my body has changed, my politics have leaned further left. It’s very possible that there is no one out there that would assess this situation and want to get involved. And I just want us all to be honest about that. You can raise your expectations way up high over your head, but it doesn’t mean anyone will be there to meet them. If you burn your haystack, you might just be left with smoke.

I burned the haystack and just found smoke was originally published in Hello, Love on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.