If You Struggle To Accept Compliments, You Probably Experienced These Things Growing Up, According To Psychology

If you’ve ever felt that compliments make you uneasy or that you quickly brush off any praise coming your way, you’re not alone.

I’ve worked with countless clients who cringe when someone acknowledges their hard work or tells them they look great. It’s like a switch flips, and they instinctively feel compelled to downplay, dismiss, or even outright reject the positive words they’re receiving.

Ever wonder why that happens?

From my perspective as both a psychologist and someone who’s battled with this myself, it often begins in childhood. The way we’re raised, the feedback we get from family and teachers, and the beliefs we develop about ourselves can lead us to struggle with embracing praise.

So if you find it challenging to accept compliments, you just might have grown up with one (or a few) of these experiences.

1. Growing up with constant criticism or rare praise

Some of us were raised in households where praise was as rare as a solar eclipse.

Maybe you heard “You could’ve done better” more often than “I’m proud of you.” Over time, a child who rarely hears positive affirmations can learn to see compliments as suspicious or undeserved.

I had one client whose father believed in what he called “tough love.” He rarely offered words of encouragement, thinking it would keep my client humble and motivated.

When she got an A on a test, he’d say something like, “Next time, aim for 100%, not 95%.” The sad result was that she grew up feeling like she could never do enough. Praise felt foreign to her, almost like a trap or a setup for future criticism.

Psychologist Daniel J. Siegel has highlighted the profound impact a parent’s response has on a child’s developing sense of self.

When genuine, loving feedback is scarce, children might struggle to recognize and accept kindness or compliments later in life.

The belief that “I’m not good enough” becomes lodged in the brain, making praise feel off-balance and deeply uncomfortable.

2. Learning that humility means downplaying achievements

Another common experience is learning—explicitly or through modeling—that humility equals minimizing your successes.

Maybe you had parents who said, “Don’t brag” whenever you mentioned something good you did. Or your cultural background might have emphasized staying modest and never shining too bright.

I grew up watching my mother give credit for everything she did to “luck” or say, “It was nothing, really.” She was a fantastic cook, but anytime someone would compliment her meals, she’d shake her head and say, “Anyone can do it.”

As a child, I absorbed that message: praising yourself (or fully acknowledging praise from others) was practically a sin.

Over time, it can become second nature to shrug off compliments. The logic goes something like this: Accepting a compliment wholeheartedly feels like arrogance.

But that’s a distorted way of seeing it.

As Brené Brown has pointed out, “Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.”

And part of vulnerability is allowing ourselves to receive the positive feedback that people offer us.

3. Being taught that self-worth depends on performance

Did you grow up in an environment where your sense of worth was tied to what you could achieve?

For instance, you were praised only when you got top grades, excelled in sports, or performed some other accolade-worthy feat. In such families, the message often is: “You are only lovable when you’re succeeding.”

If that was your reality, you may have learned to associate compliments with a performance-based condition. When you’re not at your very best, you start to feel you don’t deserve any praise at all.

If someone offers a compliment during those moments, your gut reaction might be to think, “They’re just being polite,” or, “That’s not really true; I haven’t done anything special.”

Reflecting on your upbringing can be painful, but it’s illuminating.

As Susan Cain, author of Quiet, suggests, we all have deeply ingrained narratives about what’s acceptable to express about ourselves.

If your family gave praise only for certain types of success, you might continue to question any admiration you receive unless you think you’ve ‘earned’ it through visible achievements.

4. Witnessing or experiencing emotional neglect

Emotional neglect isn’t always about hostility—it can be more subtle.

Maybe your parents provided for your basic needs—food, shelter, education—but they struggled with emotional warmth. They might not have been the hugging type, or they rarely said “I love you” out loud.

In that type of setting, compliments can feel alien.

I once wrote a post on emotional availability (you might have read my post on how emotional attunement in families shapes adult relationships), and it ties in perfectly here.

If you grow up without emotional validation, you begin to believe that positive emotions, like joy or pride, aren’t meant for you. So when someone later acknowledges your effort or skill, it feels jarring—like an unwanted spotlight.

Carl Rogers, a pioneer in the field of humanistic psychology, emphasized the importance of “unconditional positive regard” in nurturing a healthy self-concept.

Without that consistent positive regard, you might carry self-doubt into adulthood. Compliments clash with your internal narrative, prompting you to push them away.

5. Facing comparisons or sibling rivalry

Were you the middle child who often got overshadowed by a gifted older sibling or the younger child in the shadow of a high-achiever?

Did your parents or teachers openly compare you, saying things like, “Why can’t you be more like your brother?”

When constant comparisons are at play, compliments can feel more like a competition than a genuine acknowledgment.

For instance, you might dismiss any praise because you think, “But my sister is so much better at this than I am.” Or you automatically deflect a compliment by pointing out someone else who “did more.”

This mindset can take root early. Even as an adult, the idea that someone else is always more deserving of praise might linger.

Daniel Goleman’s work on emotional intelligence reminds us that how we perceive ourselves in social and family contexts shapes our self-esteem and our ability to process positive or negative feedback.

If your family environment leaned on comparisons, compliments might make you uncomfortable because they highlight a perceived competition you never felt you could win.

6. Associating compliments with manipulation or strings attached

Sometimes, a compliment isn’t just a compliment. It might have been used as leverage or a way to guilt you into something.

If you grew up in a home where praise always came with a “but” or was a setup for a favor—like “You’re so talented at making art! Now, go paint the garage,”—you might start to see compliments as transactional.

A client of mine described her mother as “queen of backhanded compliments.” She’d say things like, “You’re so good at everything, honey—much better than me—so how about you handle all the cooking for our guests tonight?”

The praise was never genuine; it was a tool. Fast forward to adulthood, and my client found herself suspicious every time a friend or colleague offered a kind word.

Oprah once said, “Truth allows you to live with integrity. Everything you do and say shows the world who you really are.”

If compliments were used manipulatively in your past, your default setting might be to question other people’s sincerity or motives. Consequently, the safest response is to reject the compliment altogether.

7. Feeling uncomfortable with attention

Finally, some of us just never learned how to handle attention—whether it’s positive or negative.

If, in childhood, any attention felt like pressure or brought a wave of anxiety, you may have tried to stay off the radar. Over time, you learn to associate all focus on you with discomfort.

I remember a moment back in high school when my teacher praised my science project in front of the whole class. It was meant to be a moment of recognition, but I felt my cheeks burning and my mind racing with thoughts like, “Everyone’s staring. They all probably think I’m a know-it-all.”

That type of acute discomfort can stick around. If it happened repeatedly, it might make you treat compliments like unwanted spotlights, triggering anxiety instead of gratitude.

As Noam Chomsky has pointed out, “The willingness to be puzzled is the source of knowledge.”

If you grew up feeling uneasy with being in the limelight, that puzzle can still be solved—but it starts with recognizing where that discomfort originated. You can’t address it until you acknowledge it.

The bottom line

If any of these scenarios feel familiar, it’s important to remember you’re not stuck.

Yes, your past experiences can shape how you currently respond to compliments, but those responses aren’t etched in stone. They’re habits—habits you can unlearn.

Look at each reason as a clue. Did you grow up with critical parents, or were you taught that modesty means denial of your own achievements?

Identifying the root cause is the first step to breaking the cycle of self-doubt or suspicion around compliments.

Once you recognize where the discomfort might stem from, you can begin to practice healthier ways of receiving praise—like simply saying “Thank you” and letting the compliment land. Over time, you might find yourself truly believing the kind words people offer you.

And when that happens, it’s a powerful shift. You step from self-protection to self-acceptance, and your relationships grow richer as you let people celebrate you just for being you.

Here at Blog Herald, I believe in the transformative power of small changes. Something as simple as learning to say “Thanks for noticing” can become a significant move toward greater self-compassion.

So give yourself the grace to explore these patterns and rewrite them.

Compliments aren’t always easy to receive—but accepting them can be the first step in embracing who you truly are, flaws and all.

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