Rootless

I feel so rootless and aimless in life.
I have no culture or traditions. No heirlooms or family memory.

It just makes me sad. I feel profoundly alone.

I'm American. I'm half immigrant. The American side of my family I have never met. They're not even from my state. I've never really celebrated any holiday and I don't relate to any cultural touchstone.

Likewise I don't identify with my other halfs country either. I only know my parent and one grandmother. I only know that language as one of abuse. I'm slightly fluent but I don't want to be. I'm not really literate in that language. I wish I could forget it . Likewise I know nothing of their holidays or customs at all. Growing up people called me both white and foriegn depending on who it was. One consistency is that personally I have never felt American or identified as American. And the other country is a despotic shithole that I think itd be illegal for me to even go to. As if I'd ever want to considering all the bad memories I have of that part of the family. Even just the language makes me cringe in pain.

I don't know. I just feel jealous of people who have a more concrete family history. I tried to trace my ancestry and it just didn't make anything better. If anything it just made me more confused.
Besides it would just be larping to try to pretend

I'm not sure what to do. It feels like there's no solution. I don't really have a culture. I don't really care about America nor do I fit in. And there's nowhere I can go.

I'm just tired of having no place in the world. I already feel lonely from never having friends or romance. Advice like "just don't care" or "make your own tradition" just doesn't help me at all. It just feels hollow