Why Childhood Shame Creates Perfectionists And People-pleasers In Adulthood

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Like many other emotional responses, shame has its origin usually in the childhood. Studying the origins of shame can help us contextualize why some adults struggle with self-esteem, perfectionism or intimacy in relationships. In contrast to guilt, which conveys regret over one’s actions, shame tells someone that they are not good enough. Shame, when experienced during childhood in a chronic way, shape how the affected person views themselves interact with others in adulthood.

Childhood Origins of Shame

Generally speaking, shame usually originates during interactions involving parents, caregivers, peers, and authority figures. Parents may plant the seeds of shame in the minds of their children by constant criticism, over-praise, or comparisons to rectify conduct. They might do it without realizing what they are doing. For instance, a child who is continually ‘encouraged’ to constantly strive for perfection in behaving in a certain manner and is often scolded for falling short of expectations, is likely to grow up thinking that they are not good enough. Rather than correcting a child’s behavior, the terms “lazy” or “stupid” label the child and become part of the child’s identity. Likewise, verbal or physical abuse or neglect can lead children to feel ashamed because they may think that they are not worthy of love or attention.

In some families, shame might be used to control children. Whenever children in such families express negative emotions, such as anger, sadness, irritability etc, they may be made to feel humiliated and ashamed of such inner experiences, which might force them to suppress their emotions. This suppression of emotions out of fear of judgement, and a fear of disapproval from the outside can be very serious. Even parents who mean well and wish to prepare their children for the realities of life may unwittingly generate feelings of shame by ignoring the children’s feelings or demanding perfection from them.

Impact of Shame on Sense of Self  

The shame that a child might start to experience during childhood greatly affects how they view themselves across their whole life. A person who develops a shame-based identity will suffer from self-doubt for the rest of their lives. For example, thoughts like “I am not good enough” or “There is something wrong with me” are common among such individuals. Once shame is established, a sense of low self-worth and the constant craving for external validation may develop.

One of the natural outcomes of childhood shame is perfectionism. Adult children of a depressed or narcissistic parent(s), who believed that they were never good enough for their parent(s), may engage in relentless striving to achieve perfection in academics, work, or relationships. However, none of their achievements make them feel satisfied unless the underlying shame is not resolved. One more outcome of the unattended and unresolved shame is the development of people pleasing tendencies in the affected individuals. Such people develop such tendencies to avoid rejection, perpetually placing others’ needs above their own. This behavior reflects a belief that their worth depends on how well they meet others’ expectations.

Some individuals fall on the opposite end of the spectrum in terms of how they deal with the experiences of childhood shame. They avoid all opportunities and interpersonal relationships. They may not take risks due to the fear of failure, or shy away from close relationships due to fear of rejection. These avoidance techniques may help in coping with shame in the short run, but, more often than not, result in isolation, inactivity, and additional damage to self-esteem.

Impact on Adult Relationships

The feelings of shame during childhood if left unattended can also influence how such an individual will interact with other individuals in adulthood. They may have difficulty in forming healthy relationships because of fear of vulnerability and rejection. Even in romantic attachments, such individuals may avoid emotional intimacy because they believe that such closeness will expose their true selves, which will sooner or later result in harsh judgments or complete abandonment. Thus, for them, a fear of intimacy tends to make them pull away emotionally or even try to cut off connections with people, should any emotional ties begin developing.

Additionally, individuals with unresolved childhood shame can be hypersensitive to criticism in relationships. An innocent observation by one partner to the other, “You haven’t done the dishes,” may provoke disproportionate self-abasement and a sense of inadequacy. These emotional over reactions have their origin in the old wounds of childhood shame being reopened. Consequently, such situations end up in escalation of conflicts, and either of the partners, or friends of such affected individuals for that matter, may not be able to grasp what the overreaction was all about. 

Sometimes, internal feelings of unresolved shame can manifest in defensiveness or hostility. An adult with a history of shame from childhood may seek to hide that shame by attacking someone when they feel criticized. This defensiveness shields their fragile sense of self from the risk of further injury. But sadly such behavior drives people away and contributes to the feeling of inadequacy, which they are actually trying to escape.

Healing from Childhood Shame

Breaking free from the grip of childhood shame requires such individuals to develop self-awareness, self-compassion, and intentional healing. Therapy can help such individuals explore the roots of their shame and challenge the internalized beliefs that that they have internalized but are no longer useful. Other practices such as mindfulness training help such individuals develop self-awareness by teaching them to observe their thoughts without judgment, helping them to recognize shame-based patterns. It is important for such affected individuals to practice Self-compassion (treating oneself with kindness the way one would treat their dear friend) when going through tough times as it plays a crucial role in healing, replacing harsh self-criticism with understanding. 

In relationships, healing begins with practicing vulnerability. Disclosing fears, insecurities, or even mistakes to a reliable confidante or loved one can mitigate the adverse effect of rejection making emotional intimacy more achievable. Setting boundaries also help such affected individuals to re-establish self-worth reinforcing that their feelings and needs matter. With time and effort, those who grew up with shame can learn to rewrite their stories, replacing narratives of inadequacy with ones of resilience, acceptance, and self-love.