Why You Are The Reason Narcissists Keep Targeting You In Relationships, Writes Louanne Ward, And There’s A Deep-rooted Issue All Victims Have In Common

Narcissists are experts at seeking out people like you – those who can be drawn into their web of control and manipulation.

It’s not because you’re weak or naïve. It’s because they know how to exploit certain traits, turning what might be your kindness, empathy or desire for connection into a weakness they can use. They target people who give them what they crave: attention, validation and the sense of power they so desperately need. 

Recognising these patterns early in your relationships is key to protecting yourself.

Why might you be more drawn to these kinds of people? Why do they seem to find you?

When you begin to understand your own vulnerabilities, you can start to build emotional defences. These defences can stop their manipulative games from taking hold, giving you the strength to walk away before the damage is done. 

Understanding narcissistic behaviour

Narcissists have a way of making you feel like you are the only person in the room. They can initially be charming, confident and attentive, making you believe you have found someone who truly gets you. Underneath that charm lies a darker motive.

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) isn’t just about being selfish; it’s about a deep need for admiration and a complete lack of empathy. They don’t care about your needs; they care about controlling and dominating you to meet their own. 

They use a range of tactics to pull you in and keep you off-balance. Whether it’s gaslighting (making you question your reality), love-bombing (flooding you with affection to make you dependent), or emotional blackmail (manipulating you with guilt or threats), every move is designed to keep you under their thumb. 

They need your admiration, but more than that, they need to feel superior to you. And the more you give, the more they will take, until there is nothing left. 

The common threads between you and narcissists  

If you’ve found yourself in more than one relationship with a narcissist, it’s no coincidence. Narcissists are drawn to certain traits; if you possess these, you may find that they keep showing up in your life. Empathetic people often have the most challenging time with narcissists. You feel their pain and their struggles, and you want to help them. But the truth is, they are using that empathy against you.

Maybe you are someone who tries to avoid conflict, who bends to keep the peace. Narcissists love this because it makes it easier for them to manipulate you without pushback. Or perhaps you have struggled with self-esteem, always looking for validation from others. Narcissists know how to make you feel seen… at first. But what they give, they eventually take away, leaving you desperate to get back to that initial rush of attention.

Recognising these patterns is the first step. Ask yourself: Do you often feel drained after being around certain people? Do you find yourself making excuses for their behaviour? These could be signs that you are dealing with someone who is feeding off your vulnerability. It’s not your fault, but understanding why you attract these kinds of relationships can help you break the cycle.

The role your childhood trauma plays

Our childhood shapes how we relate to others as adults, particularly in our intimate relationships. The way you were raised, the affection you received (or didn’t), the lessons you absorbed about love, trust and conflict all lay the foundation for how you will interact with romantic partners. 

If your early experiences were filled with insecurity, neglect or inconsistency, these emotional patterns often carry over into adulthood, making you more vulnerable to toxic relationships. 

There are various forms of childhood trauma, each leaving its mark on how you connect with others. When trauma occurs in your formative years, it affects the way you understand relationships and can shape your self-worth.

Ten examples of early experiences that contribute to the development of trauma: 

● Being ignored or emotionally neglected by a caregiver.

● Living in a household where emotional or physical abuse was frequent.

● Having a parent who was overly critical or demanding, causing you to strive for unattainable perfection.

● Growing up with parents who had inconsistent affection, sometimes loving and sometimes distant.

● Feeling responsible for a parent’s emotional needs, often becoming a ‘caretaker’ at a young age.

● Witnessing domestic violence or hostility between caregivers.

● Experiencing abandonment, either through divorce, death or emotional withdrawal.

● Having a parent with mental health issues, such as depression, which limited their ability to provide emotional support.

● Growing up in an environment with addiction, where the focus was always on managing chaos rather than nurturing emotional health.

● Enduring long periods of loneliness or isolation without comfort or connection from caregivers.

The consequences and how trauma bonds are created 

These early experiences can leave you with a deep need for validation, approval and stability – something you might seek from your romantic partners. However, your brain may interpret love in a way that associates it with emotional ups and downs, inconsistency and even pain. This is where trauma bonds develop.

Trauma bonds form when you experience cycles of affection followed by emotional withdrawal or abuse. If you grew up feeling that love was conditional, something you had to earn, you might find yourself drawn to relationships where you are constantly striving for approval, even when you are being hurt. Narcissists often exploit this by giving you just enough affection to keep you hooked, then pulling it away to make you work harder for their approval.

This cycle mirrors what you experienced in childhood, which is why it feels familiar even though it’s damaging. Your brain equates the emotional highs and lows with love because that’s what it knows. It’s why trauma bonds can be so difficult to break; you are trapped in a pattern that’s rooted in your earliest experiences.

The narcissist’s upbringing 

The narcissist’s childhood trauma often mirrors that of their victims in some ways. They may have experienced emotional neglect or inconsistency, which leaves them with a deep-seated insecurity that they mask with grandiosity and control. However, one key difference in many narcissists’ upbringing is overindulgence. 

Narcissists who were overindulged as children may have been treated as if they were superior to others, never learning to accept responsibility for their actions or to empathise with others’ needs. This inflated sense of entitlement is coupled with a fragile self-esteem that demands constant validation. If they were always praised without earning it, they learned that admiration was their right, not something to be shared or reciprocated.

In many cases, their childhood taught them that relationships are transactional: people exist to serve their needs, and those needs must be met at any cost. This belief shapes their future relationships. They seek partners who will provide the admiration and control they crave, but they never learn to give back emotionally because they never have to.

What is a trauma-bonded relationship?

A trauma-bonded relationship occurs when intense emotional bonds form between you and your abuser, typically through a cycle of reward and punishment. This creates a deep, addictive connection, making it hard to leave, even when the relationship is clearly damaging.

If you’ve experienced childhood trauma, you might unconsciously seek out partners who mirror aspects of your past. Your brain is wired to seek familiarity, and if chaos, unpredictability or emotional pain was part of your upbringing, you may be drawn to people who recreate those feelings. You might not actively seek someone with the same trauma, but you are likely to feel an unspoken connection with someone whose behaviour triggers the emotional responses you learned in childhood.

For the narcissist who was overindulged in childhood, the dynamic is different. They may not have experienced trauma in the same way, but their upbringing created an emotional void that drives their behaviour. They are used to being the centre of attention, and as a result, they form trauma bonds by pulling you into their vortex with excessive praise and affection, only to withdraw it to maintain control.

For the overindulged narcissist, the trauma bond isn’t about recreating emotional pain from their childhood; it’s about maintaining their sense of superiority. They can’t tolerate being equal in a relationship, so they keep their partners off-balance, ensuring their emotional dominance. The bond is formed through control: by making you dependent on their approval and affection, they keep you from leaving.

How is a trauma bond formed?  

Trauma bonds develop through repeated cycles of emotional highs and lows. At first, a narcissist will idealise you, showering you with affection and attention, which makes you feel special and loved. But as the relationship progresses, they begin to devalue you – criticising, belittling or emotionally withdrawing from you. This shift leaves you confused and desperate to get back to the early stage of the relationship.

Over time, the pattern becomes ingrained. Your brain starts associating these emotional highs and lows with love, and you find yourself unable to break free, even when the relationship becomes increasingly toxic. You might feel that leaving would mean losing the only source of validation you know, even though it comes with emotional pain.

The difference between trauma stemming from mothers and fathers

Mother wounds and father wounds can both profoundly affect your adult relationships, but they manifest in different ways.

If you grew up with an emotionally unavailable or controlling mother, you might find yourself seeking nurturing and validation from your partner, always trying to win the approval you never received. This can leave you vulnerable to narcissists, who promise that affection – but only on their terms.

On the other hand, father wounds often stem from a lack of guidance, protection or approval. If you lacked a stable, caring relationship with your father, you might feel a deep need for validation from men in your adult life, making you more susceptible to narcissistic manipulation. You might also struggle with trust and feel drawn to partners who provide the sense of security you didn’t receive growing up, even if that security comes at the cost of your emotional well-being.

Both types of wounds create deep-seated insecurities that narcissists are quick to exploit. Recognising these wounds and how they play out in your relationships is a key part of breaking the cycle and building healthier connections in the future.

How to protect yourself from narcissistic manipulation

Know the signs 

Protecting yourself from narcissistic manipulation starts with recognising the tactics they use. Narcissists are incredibly skilled at making you feel guilty, confused, and emotionally dependent. They thrive on control, and the more you give, the more they will take. Common signs of narcissistic manipulation include gaslighting (making you doubt your own reality), love-bombing (overwhelming you with affection), and using emotional blackmail to keep you tied to them. 

Once you’re aware of these tactics, you can begin to defend yourself. The key is to not just know what they are doing, but to actively take steps to arm yourself against their manipulation. You need to reprogram your brain by creating new neural pathways through intentional actions that break their control over you. 

Build emotional defences 

Reprogramming your brain to resist narcissistic manipulation is not easy, but it is essential if you want to protect your emotional well-being. The good news is that by taking specific actions, you can build new habits and responses that strengthen your emotional defences. Here are ten strategies to arm yourself against the different tactics narcissists use: 

● Set firm boundaries and stick to them: Define what behaviour you will and will not tolerate. Be clear and consistent, and do not allow them to push past your limits.

● Call out their behaviour: If a narcissist is gaslighting or manipulating you, call them out on it. Label their behaviour for what it is. This disrupts their control and makes it harder for them to continue manipulating you.

● Detach emotionally: Train yourself to detach emotionally from their behaviour. Narcissists thrive on emotional reactions, so practise responding with calm detachment, no matter how much they provoke you.

● Stay grounded in reality: When they try to distort your reality or make you doubt yourself, keep a journal of events as they actually happen. This gives you concrete evidence to rely on when they try to twist the truth.

● Develop a support network: Surround yourself with people who support and believe in you. Share your experiences with trusted friends or family, so you do not feel isolated and confused by the narcissist’s tactics.

● Be prepared to walk away: If a narcissist refuses to respect your boundaries or continues to manipulate you, be prepared to end the relationship. Walking away is one of the most powerful actions you can take.

● Avoid justifying or defending yourself: Narcissists love to trap you in endless arguments where you feel the need to justify your actions. Resist the urge to defend yourself, no explanation is needed when you’ve set a boundary.

● Reinforce positive self-talk: Reprogram your brain by affirming your self-worth. Regularly remind yourself that you deserve respect and healthy relationships and that their behaviour says more about them than it does about you.

● Stay consistent: Narcissists will test your boundaries repeatedly. Don’t waver or bend to their manipulation. The more consistent you are, the less power they will have over you.

● Control your time and space: Limit the time you spend with them, both physically and emotionally. By managing their access to you, you can control their influence.

By following these strategies, you not only protect yourself from narcissistic manipulation but also begin to retrain your mind to prioritise your own wellbeing. 

Breaking the cycle of toxic relationships 

This requires a deep understanding of the patterns that repeat in your life. Narcissists often latch on to the same behaviours, and recognising them is crucial to avoiding future toxic entanglements. Here are key patterns to look for:

● Constantly seeking approval: If you find yourself always needing your partner’s validation, this could be a sign of a deeper issue rooted in your past relationships.

● Tolerating emotional highs and lows: If you accept emotional volatility as normal in your relationships, you might be caught in a cycle of trauma bonding.

● Making excuses for bad behaviour: If you frequently justify your partner’s behaviour, convincing yourself that ‘they didn’t mean it’, this is a red flag.

● Losing your sense of identity: If you often sacrifice your own needs, desires and identity for the sake of the relationship, this is a pattern of co-dependency.

● Feeling drained: If you consistently feel emotionally exhausted after interactions, it’s a sign that your partner is taking more than they give.

● Attracted to the same personality type: If you are repeatedly drawn to people with narcissistic traits, this is a pattern you need to break.

● Ignoring red flags: If you overlook early warning signs because you are invested in the potential of the relationship, you are likely repeating a destructive pattern.

Healing from narcissistic abuse: A seven-step process

Healing from a relationship with a narcissist is a journey that takes time, patience and self-compassion. The emotional scars run deep, but recovery is not only possible, it’s empowering. Reclaim your life with a seven-step process to help you heal.

1. Accept that it wasn’t your fault

Narcissists are master manipulators. The abuse and control you endured are not a reflection of your worth but of their need for power. Accepting that the relationship wasn’t your fault is the first step toward healing.

2. Grieve the loss

Let yourself grieve the relationship, even if it was toxic. You may have invested time, love and energy into it, and it’s normal to feel sadness or loss when it ends. Allow yourself to mourn what could have been, but also acknowledge the relief that comes with leaving a harmful relationship.

3. Work on rebuilding your self-worth

Narcissists often leave you feeling worthless and drained. Take time to rebuild your self-esteem by engaging in activities that make you feel strong, capable and worthy. Surround yourself with people who uplift you, and work on affirming your own value.

4. Establish boundaries in all relationships

As you heal, start setting clear boundaries in all areas of your life. These boundaries are not just about keeping narcissists out but about ensuring that you only allow respectful, supportive people into your inner circle. Boundaries are a form of self-care.

5. Forgive yourself

Forgiveness isn’t about excusing the narcissist’s behaviour; it’s about forgiving yourself for staying as long as you did or for not recognising the red flags sooner. Self-forgiveness is crucial in moving forward without guilt or shame.

6. Focus on self-empowerment

Reclaim your identity by focusing on what makes you strong. Whether it’s taking up a new hobby, pursuing a career goal, or practising daily self-care, building your life around what empowers you is the ultimate act of healing.

7. Learn to trust again

After narcissistic abuse, trusting others, and yourself, can be difficult. Take small steps toward trusting your instincts again. With time and reflection, you will start to feel confident in your ability to choose healthy relationships.

Healing from narcissistic abuse is about reclaiming your power and breaking free from the emotional chains that once bound you. With time, support and self-compassion, you can break the cycle of toxic relationships and build a life grounded in love, respect and emotional safety. 

Narcissists choose you because they see something in you they can exploit – whether it’s your kindness, your empathy or your desire for connection. But by identifying the common threads that make you susceptible to their manipulation, you can start to build emotional defences that protect you from their toxic behaviour. Recognising your own worth, setting boundaries and seeking support when needed are all essential steps.