To Navigate The Gender Pay Gap, It's Essential That I Communicate My Financial Boundaries

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Allison Nichol Longtin

• In my relationships both past and present, I've earned less money than my male partners.
• I always try to be upfront about what I can and cannot afford, rather than changing my values.
• I always try to remember that even if I make less money, I still have essential value as a partner.

Throughout our nearly 12 years together, I made less money than my late husband, Remi, even through career changes. This financial imbalance was a source of conflict we learned to navigate together.

When we first met, we were students. We didn't have money issues to tackle together in the early days because our financial lives were separate. Things changed when we moved to Switzerland for Remi's career, where I wasn't legally allowed to work at first.

It's common for women to earn less than their male partners. In Canada, where I live now, a 2022 study from the Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development showed a more than 17% difference between annual median earnings of women and men among full-time employees. For freelancers and self-employed women like myself, the gender wage gap is 28%.

In my acute grief in the aftermath of Remi's sudden and untimely death in 2017, I turned my focus to my career. I felt incredibly vulnerable when Remi died, not least of all financially.

I find myself in this familiar situation again with a partner who earns more than me. I have a work-in-progress approach to navigating relationships with a financial imbalance.

I clearly communicate my money boundaries

When there's something he'd like to do, but I can't afford to, like a weekend getaway or going to see a concert, I'll say something like, "I'd love to, but it's not in my budget right now," and I'll encourage him to see that concert on his own, or with a buddy.

If there's something we both want to do and there's time to plan ahead, I'll put money aside and save up so that I can contribute.

If there's something I want to do, and it's within my budget, like an impromptu dinner out when neither of us feels like cooking, I'm happy for it to be my treat.

I strive to find a financial sweet spot

I'm a freelancer and I'm pretty diligent about doing my bookkeeping every month. I know exactly how much money is coming in and going out. I adjust my budget and spending accordingly.

My financial sweet spot is something of a moving target. The fluctuations in my income mean that some months I can comfortably pay for a round of drinks for us, buy movie tickets, and order take-out. Other months, I need to politely decline an outing or allow myself to be treated.

This situation can be particularly tricky to navigate when I'm seeing a man who's salaried and always knows how much money will land in his bank account every two weeks. That just isn't my situation right now.

I firmly believe that, even in intimate relationships, if two people aren't living together, sharing expenses, or sharing a joint bank account, how they spend their money is sovereign territory. I need to be clear about my own values, and my finances need to align with them.

I'm not going to spend outside of my values system for a relationship, and I wouldn't expect my man to change his money ways for me either. I learned this lesson the hard way; I once went on a now-infamous trip to Morocco that I absolutely could not afford, with a man I was seeing, and I paid dearly for this carpe diem leap.

I know my worth

I've been on my own, supporting myself for a long time now, and I often feel some tension around being treated. I'm not used to letting someone treat me to concert tickets or a nice dinner out.

Part of this tension comes from knowing that I can't always reciprocate, at least not in the same way, but I'm starting to build comfort around being treated and accepting generosity.

I know that while I can't always be as generous financially, I am generous in other ways that matter. I'm generous with my time, presence, energy, and attention. I make space in my life for my relationships, I put my phone away when we're together, and I listen deeply. I also make delicious, healthy meals, run errands, and show support for his creative pursuits.

This laundry list is helpful when I'm in the throes of feeling like I don't measure up financially. I'm working hard at knowing my worth in a world where it's likely that I'll always earn less than my male partner.

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