I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/TA031544

Originally posted to r/AITAH

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[New Updates]: AITA for Expecting Sex on a Date Night with my Wife?

NEW UPDATES MARKED WITH ----

Editor’s Note: added paragraph breaks for readability

Trigger Warnings: infidelity, depression, verbal abuse, betrayal, threats of suicide, stalking, harassment

RECAP

Original Post: March 31, 2024

My wife and I generally have a great relationship. Last night, however, I learned from my wife that she has been on a sex strike for most of the last month due to some comments I made following our last date night (which was about a month ago).

As background, I arrange a date night each month for the two of us. I plan a dinner somewhere nice, arrange a babysitter, feed our three kids dinner, and otherwise handle all of the logistics so that all she has to do is show up. Typically, we will grab drinks somewhere after dinner (sometimes meeting up with friends for the drinks portion, and other times going just the two of us).

Earlier this month, I planned an evening out and we had a fantastic dinner together. After dinner, I proposed that we go to a nearby wine bar, but my wife (who had been texting with the wife of a couple we are close friends with), asked if we could go meet up with them for drinks instead. I was fine with that, so we headed towards a nearby bar that they had proposed. However, the other couple's dinner ran later than ours, and by the time it ended, the wife was tired and decided she wanted to go to bed. As such, her husband ended up taking her home and then joining us at the local bar they had proposed.

Around 11:45 we had to leave to relieve our babysitter. My wife was having fun and didn't want the evening to end, so she invited our friend over for another drink. I told her I was fine with that, but that I was hoping to be in bed by 1:00 a.m. (as background, I do the morning shift with our three kids every day and they get up early). My wife promised that we'd be in bed by then.

Our friend came over, we opened a bottle of wine, put on some music, and we're all having a good time. 1:00 comes around and he gets up to go, but my wife tells us we can't leave, as she is vibing. I stick around for another 10 minutes or so and then decide to call it, as I was getting pretty tired. My wife tells me she will be up in another 10 minutes. I get ready for bed (which takes about that long) and don't hear her coming, so I go to bed.

Around 3:00, I get woken up by her coming into our bedroom (she was drunk at this point and made a lot of noise). I'm now wide awake, and if that happens, it usually takes me a while to go back to sleep (in this case, it took me until around 5:00, which was fun when the kids woke up at 6:30). Anyways, at this point, since I'm now wide awake, I ask her if she'd want to have sex (probably not the most romantic, I know). She declines, as she is tired and wants to go to sleep. Fair enough, I don't push the issue, and and she immediately falls asleep.

However, I can't sleep now due to being woken up, and sit there and stew for a few hours (mostly frustrated at being woken up but also annoyed at how the evening went overall). My first mistake was sending her a text (while she is asleep) saying that her actions that evening were hurtful and that it felt like I planned this nice evening, only for her to end up spending the later part of it with someone else (and not like that - I am 100% confident they were just listening to music and chatting).

The next morning, she came downstairs apologetic. However, I made the mistake of mentioning that her actions made me not really want to plan these extravagant date nights anymore, as she had broken her promise about going to bed at a reasonable hour and then ruined my sleep (not the first time this has happened on a date night). Then (and this is where I may be the asshole), I added that this was at least the fourth date night in a row where the night had ended with us not having sex, and that in my mind, a good date night ends in sex. I also added that this one was particularly offensive because it felt like she abandoned me at the end of the night.

These comments really upset her, and she said they made her feel like I only appreciate her for sex. She added that date nights should be about having fun and enjoying her company, and that I should assume we won't have sex on date nights. Honestly, I have some sympathy for her perspective about enjoying each other's company being the most important part of a date night, but I also don't think it is unreasonable to feel a little let down after planning a romantic evening, especially since it had become a pattern, and particularly where she effectively choose to do something else rather than have sex with me. So Reddit, what do we think? AITA?

Updates: Well, this surprisingly took off. A few responses to commonly asked questions:

1. Why involve friends on date night? Because she asked - it wasn't what I had planned, but I do try to make her happy.

2. How often do we normally have sex? 2-3 times a week, which is honestly pretty good for having three young children, although the distribution tends to be a little uneven (i.e. we might have it 5 times one week and then only once the next). I also try to be a generous partner, and almost always try to get her off first (unless she just asks for a quickie).

3. How did I not notice the sex strike that was going on for almost a month? I intentionally took a week off from initiating in an effort to show I wasn't just about sex, and then I caught a severe case of COVID at the end of that week, and then she got her period, and then we went on a trip (where sex is hard with small kids). So even if she hadn't been intentionally withholding, there wouldn't really have been an opportunity for it. Just a really unfortunate series of events that happened one after the other. We also did slip in a couple of sessions in there where she initiated (in what she called "moments of weakness") - frankly, we both like sex, but she is sometimes willing to hurt/penalize herself to prove a point. Also, we've had 4 or 5 stretches in the past where we have gone many months without sex due to childbirth / major surgery / depression. I do truly care for my wife, and I'm willing to play the long game.

4. Why are you not worried about your wife being with a male friend late at night? We're very close to this couple, and they are probably over at our house at least once a week. The husband in particular is close friends with both me and my wife. His wife works very early in the morning, so she pretty much always goes to bed very early. As such, he is often left alone at night, and he frequently ends up at our place (where we play drink, play board games or cards, listen to music, play guitars, etc.). It is not at all unusual for him to come over and stay late at our place, as my wife and I stay up much later than his wife. It was only weird (and frustrating) because my wife invited him over on a date night. Our friend is also a really solid guy - he's probably the safest person I could think of to hang out with my wife who is a guy. I know the optics aren't great and that if I were a third party I'd probably think something shady is going on - just knowing the people involved, it's not something I am concerned about. I'm confident our friend intended to come over for just a drink - he did in fact try to leave, and he had even called an uber - my wife grabbed his phone and cancelled it. And I do think they did just lose track of time. We had a brief power outage the day before so our living room clock was not working.

5. What happened on the other three dates? On one, we had met up with a large group of friends at a bar after dinner and we were all having fun. Unfortunately, one of us had to relieve the babysitter. I kindly offered to go home and let her stay out with the crew (many of our friends stay out late - most have family or a full-time nanny that can do overnights). She ended up staying out until after 3:00 and was blackout when she got back, so I helped her get into bed and called it a night. On another, we got into an argument over something stupid at dinner and it killed the mood. On the third, she just was very tired by the time we got home and wanted to go to sleep (which is totally valid - I didn't complain or push it). This wasn't really a pattern of any specific behavior on her part - I was more just frustrated that circumstances seemed to always conspire to prevent the ideal date night from occurring, and this one being foiled was definitely her fault.

6. Why did your wife stay up so late? My wife is a bit of a night owl. Her ideal schedule is probably to stay up until 12 or 1 and then sleep in until 9. And on the weekend when she is having fun, she would easily stay up until 2 or 3. This is something that we have argued about in the past, as once she gets going she doesn't like to stop (which she admits isn't the best), which always leaves me needing to be the responsible one. I've told her in the past that I'd gladly stay up until 3:00 with her if she agrees to do the morning shift the next day, but she has always declined on the basis of that not being enough sleep.

7. How is your division of labor? I work a high pay, long hours job, and my wife is a SAHM. When I'm at work I'm obviously gone and she takes care of the kids. When I'm not working, I probably do 60% of the household labor and she does 40% - I try to do the heavy lifting with the kids when I'm home because taking care of three young kids is exhausting, and I know she appreciates the break. In particular, I do the morning shift, which we both view as the worst one. She is definitely appreciative of all the household labor I do, and has stated she recognizes that I do more than any of our male friends.

8. Is your wife a good mom? She's a fantastic mom - really, truly fantastic. She puts in a ton of effort making our kids' lives fun and full of whimsy. She's all their friends' favorite mom since she's fun and cares about them. She goes 100% when taking care of the kids, which I think is why she sometimes parties perhaps too late and doesn't want the night to end, as taking care of kids really is draining, especially if you go max effort.

9. How is your relationship otherwise? We both do thoughtful things for one another. I make her coffee every morning and leave a note for her next to the mug. She helps my mom with tech support (which is a true act of love - I did it for years and hated it). I buy her flowers about once a week and will randomly surprise her with small gifts. She will buy me less frequent (but larger and more thoughtful) gifts. If you take sex out of the equation, the relationship is great (and until a few weeks ago I would have told you that was great too).

10. Are you an unreliable narrator? I hope not? I think if you asked my wife what happened, she would agree with essentially everything I've said. I think she would probably just add some additional background information, the big one being that we have had arguments about sex in the past. We had a bad argument about 9 months ago that led to about a month-long hiatus after I complained to her that we never had sex while on vacation (and we probably take 10 or so trips a year, although many of them are just for long weekends). Her view was that we usually have kids in a room directly adjacent to us (and often other adults, since we typically do an AirBnB with friends or go to a friends' vacation home), and that she would be mortified if our kids or friends heard us. It's honestly a valid point, and she convinced me of it (I stopped trying on vacation unless she initiates (which she still does periodically)), but she did feel that I was ungrateful in light of all the normal sex we were having, and that she needed to reset expectations so that sex was special rather than a usual occurrence. I get the sense that her current sex strike is essentially the same thing.

11. Is this fake? Unfortunately, no. I'm very much a real human. Beep boop beep boop.

Update: We had a great discussion last night (and some great sex) and are fully reconciled. I apologized for making her feel like I was primarily valuing her for providing sex (it's not true, but my comments made her feel that way) and not appreciating how much sex we were already having. She apologized for ruining the last date night. She spoke to her sister about it yesterday and her sister told her inviting someone else over on your date night was really stupid.

So in the future, she said she wants date nights to be just the two of us - we can do meet ups with others on other days. This was what I was going to ask for but she beat me to it. I also promised not to complain about sex (even where, like in this case, it was not the primary complaint but part of a larger complaint) and not to send grumpy texts while she is sleeping (and instead just talk to her in the morning). So communication wins again!

TLDR: I planned a nice date night. We ended up meeting up with friends after dinner, my wife invited one of the friends back to our place to keep partying, and when I tried to end the evening, told me to go to bed and kept partying with the friend before coming up at 3:00 and drunkenly waking me up.

We got into a fight over this the next morning, and I told her it was hurtful that on a date night she decided to hang out with a friend to finish the night rather than come to bed with me, and that a date night should ideally end in us having sex, not hanging out with others. This did not go over well, as it made her feel that I was only valuing her for sex, and that I was ungrateful for how much sex we do have (which is admittedly a lot for a married couple with small children).

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received mixed reactions

Update #1: April 26, 2024

Whelp, I posted about a month ago about how I was upset my wife invited our friends back over to our house at the end of a date night, and she and the husband ended up hanging out until 3:00 a.m. after I went to bed at 1:00. A lot of people suggested they were having an affair, and that I was blind to not see it. I swore and swore there was no way, I trust both of them, etc..

Turns out, Reddit was right. I was unpacking the car and my wife had left her phone in there, and when I picked it up a text from our friend flashed across saying how he wanted to kiss her and asking her to tell me she needed a night out and should go out to the bar with him.

I know its an invasion of privacy, but we know one another's passcodes, so I opened her phone and checked their text chain. She had been deleting his messages but they were still in the deleted messages folder, and it wasn't great. They've been going on dates during the day when I'm at work, and he has said very suggestive things to her. I confronted my wife about it and she claimed it was purely an emotional affair, that she knew he loved her, and enjoyed the attention, and that she had been dealing with severe depression (which is true) and it was nice to have someone to talk to who wasn't me.

That she still loved me - it was just very flattering to have the attention. I don't know whether that is all true or not, but I honestly do think she is telling the truth - she pretty much argued it wasn't that big of a deal because they didn't do anything physical outside of him kissing her once, and in her defense the suggestive texts all came from him. So I don't know where we will end up - just reality shattering because I would have never thought either would betray me like this.

TLDR: Reddit was right - they were having an affair.

Update #2: April 30, 2024

This is an update to my prior update post at: Update: AITA for Expecting Sex on a Date Night with my Wife? : r/AITAH (reddit.com)

I had a true heart to heart with my wife two days after I learned of the emotional affair, and we are surprisingly in a really good place now. She apologized profusely, and her description and timeline of events is not as bad as I had feared. It is also consistent with what my former friend (we'll call him Rick) told me when I interrogated him (and I asked him first, before my wife would have really had a chance to collaborate on a story in the event she wanted to do so). It is also consistent with what my wife's sister has told me (she views me like a brother and is a true ally).

As backstory, Rick and his wife have been going through marital issues for quite some time. We were aware of this. About 6 months ago, things really went into a tailspin, and he started talking to my wife almost as a therapist (I know this sounds weird but my wife is really good at listening to people's troubles and providing insight - she does this for a bunch of friends (admittedly essentially all women)). It started out like once a week or so, and gradually increased from there.

By a couple of months ago, they were talking regularly (i.e. several times a week), but still only covering totally P.C. topics. My wife's sister actually confronted my wife and warned her that she thought Rick had fallen for her and that she needed to be careful. My wife was convinced that they were just good friends.

The night of the infamous date night was actually still in this period - my wife admitted that the optics looked bad, but she really was just having a good time (and was frankly pretty drunk and not thinking clearly). She did say though that after that night she realized that he might have feelings for her (and that in retrospect it was pretty obvious). She felt bad about the date night fiasco, and has been much better in that regard (and she also reduced her alcohol consumption).

About 6 weeks ago, we went on a ski trip with 5 other families (including Rick and his wife). It was a horrible trip for him, and he and his wife fought a lot. One of the nights, he got pretty drunk and asked my wife to meet him at the bar at our hotel, since he needed to talk. While there, he told her that he loved her and wished that he had married her rather than his wife. My wife just told him "I'm sorry". I had been putting the kids to bed when this went down and came down and inadvertently interrupted them right after they said this (I do remember some weird vibes in retrospect).

My wife admitted she should have told me right then and there, but that she didn't want to blow up the trip for the whole friend group, as if she told me she was worried that I might make a scene. He then didn't say anything problematic for another week or two, and she chalked it up to him just being really drunk and really sad, and hoped things could just go back to normal.

Unfortunately, Rick's marriage took a turn for the worse about a month ago, and it seems pretty clear that they are getting divorced. My wife (who suffers from severe depression) also went into a depressive period around this time, in large part due some familial issues. This was timed very poorly, as I recently launched a new division at my company and have been working 60 hour week for the last three months or so.

Both Rick and my wife felt isolated and lonely, and Rick started calling my wife virtually every day. They also started grabbing lunch once or twice a week (I guess he would meet her for lunch on his lunch break). The vast majority of their interaction was them talking about life, but he started saying inappropriate things in person like "you're the most beautiful woman I know" or "you're gorgeous". He also started drinking heavily, and he would send suggestive texts when drinking (which my wife claims she would just ignore). The time he kissed her I was actually home - the three of us had been hanging out and I went to use the restroom.

I asked her why she didn't tell me or shut things down, and she admitted it was a mixture of not wanting to blow up our friend group plus her enjoying the attention and compliments, even if she had no interest in the guy. She chuckled a little bit when I asked if she had slept with him (for reference, R is probably 150+ pounds overweight, which is one of the major strains in his marriage, whereas my wife is a true 10/10). Basically, she was depressed, needed someone to talk to, and since I was so busy with work, she found that emotional support elsewhere. She admits that it was really wrong, and has agreed to take a bunch of actions to prevent this in the future.

For me, I still struggle with why she would do some of this - e.g. if he texts that you should come over and join him in the shower, and you respond why don't we do a lunch date instead, from my view that is pouring gasoline on a fire (by showing you still want to meet with him), whereas she thought she was steering things away from problematic situations (something shady can't happen in a public setting). She said he came by the house a couple of times during the day (including once when our son was home with her), but that she really tried to steer things to public settings once she knew he loved her. It also does hurt a bit that in one of the texts R asked if they could do a lunch date and she says no, my husband (me) is working from home today, with a sad face.

But we're going to make it work. We are going to do couples therapy and she wants to do individual therapy, and she also started working part-time to keep her busy on something else. We can't go fully non-contact with R, but now all communication has to include me. I am also going to work on being more emotionally present, even when working a ton, and I told her that if she is having a depressive episode and needs to talk to someone, she can always call me - her mental well-being is more important than my work (she was afraid to call during the day since I am very busy and would call R instead). I also promised to work on being happier and more positive - I am usually a very cheerful person (which is something she loved about me), but I had been pretty grumpy and miserable over the last few months due to my job being crazy. So a little blame does rest with me (I'm certainly not perfect, although I'd never cheat on my partner).

I know most of you will probably roll your eyes and say I'm being a push-over, but none of you know how amazing my wife is. She has a magnetic personality and is the life of a party. She is also one of the brilliant people I have ever met. Shes a great mom, and my best friend. And finally, she's a bombshell - when she is dolled up, most heads turn when she enters a room. If you've ever seen Wedding Crashers, she is (in both personality and appearance) eerily similar to Isla Fisher's character (although she is better looking than Isla). I honestly can't blame R for falling for her - but I can blame him (and call him a piece of shit) for acting on it.

Dumb? Maybe. But my wife is too amazing to let go over this without a fight, especially when she seems committed to fixing things (and actually apologetic - including for getting defensive the night I discovered it).

I'll do an update in a few months. Hopefully things will be positive.

TLDR: The affair wasn't as bad as I thought, and we're going to work through things.

----NEW UPDATES----

Update #3: August 15, 2024

As a recap, I made an AITA post about me being upset at my wife inviting for my best friend over on a date night earlier this year, a majority of the responders replied that they were likely having an affair, I defended my wife and former best friend, and then a month later I discovered Reddit was right, and they were indeed having an affair (albeit an emotional one). After my last few posts gained some traction, I promised to provide an update in a few months.

The last few months have been a bit of a rollercoaster, but I'm happy to report that my wife and I are in a really good place at the moment and fully reconciled. There have been some wild moments though since discovery day:

1. Going non-contact with my former best friend ("Rick”), only to have him call my wife several months later ( in the middle of a game night with friends, which was awkward) sobbing in his car and threatening to kill himself. I told her I was fine if she were to talk to him that night, since we were legitimately concerned he might off himself (and although, fuck him, he was my former best friend and I don't want him to die), but they spoke for like two hours that night and then he started texting her constantly (and called like 5 times the next day), forcing us to go non-contact with him again.

2. Running into Rick at a group event and him acting incredibly emo and moody (he sat in a corner and drank an entire bottle of whiskey out of an oversize Yeti).

3. Rick approaching me at said event and saying that he was on the verge of telling everyone about the affair because he just wants to burn everything down (my wife and I were able to convince him not to do so).

4. Learning that Rick had asked my wife to leave me, she said no, and he had told her he would wait however long she needed, even 15 years, so that they could be together.

5. Rick becoming obsessed with my wife's sister (who is very similar to my wife). They now go out for drinks several times a week and talk daily. My wife is convinced he is now in love with her. Awkwardly, my sister-in-law is separated but still lives with her soon-to-be ex-husband.

6. Rick is still married, but divorce is seemingly imminent.

In all this chaos, however, my wife and I have been doing very well. The shock of the affair forced us to work through our issues and we now communicate about as well as one could hope for, and have solved for most of the issues that led her to look outside our marriage for emotional support. I'd love to be able to go back in time and prevent the affair, and I don't know if I'll trust anyone fully anymore, but it many ways it improved our relationship, which is a very strange thing to say.

Relevant Comments

Away-Understanding34: I am concerned that Rick doesn't actually like your SIL and that he's just using her to stay close to your wife. He is sick and I wouldn't put anything past him.

OOP: It's possible. They were friends before all of this though.

+

The challenge is that his daughter is my daughter's best friend and our social circle includes Rick. There's not really a great way to completely remove him from our lives.

SIL does know what Rick did. She actually called it months ago - before my wife knew Rick was into her my SIL pulled my wife aside and told her Rick was going to be trouble. My wife argued he was just a good friend and would never do anything inappropriate. My SIL was skeptical (and right).

I'm actually very thankful for my SIL - she's a good friend to me, and I think is partly doing this to draw his attention away from my wife.

OOP on his wife and himself stepping back away from Rick

OOP: Oh my wife and I are both people pleasers. It is what led to all of this. I don't think my wife wants to be around Rick anymore - she has vocalized a bunch of times lately that she is pretty sick of his shit and wishes he would just go away. She was truthfully annoyed when I told her to pick up the phone when Rick was having his mental health episode, but he had texted me saying that he was in a bad spot and needed to talk to someone and I am confident that is the truth - my wife said he spent much of the call crying in his car. I think the posters are correct in the sense that I should have referred him to 911 or been the one to talk to him (rather than my wife), but his mental health is really poor right now. I've known him for a long time and his actions the last 6 months or so have been extremely out of character, which makes me think he's having a significant mental health crisis and probably needs to be on medication.

OOP responds to multiple comments on the lingerie issues

I do truly think the lingerie issue was a false alarm. It was what originally put me on alert that something might be off, which is what ultimately led me to uncovering the affair, but it happened I think a little too early in the timeline (which is backed up by the call records). My wife also reacted completely normally to it when I asked about it - she would have gotten defensive had there been something there. She had worn it a few months earlier for me, so her explanation was plausible (that she had tossed it in the dark and missed the hamper and it had gotten wedged in a corner where she didn't find it for a few months).

And my wife has admitted that she fucked up and is very apologetic. She's been working really hard to be kinder to me and to try to make it up to me. I don't think I did a good job of explaining that in my update post.

And although I will probably always have some gnawing concern that they did more than just kiss the one time, her explanation does kind of make sense. Years ago (long before all this), I mentioned I was disappointed in a friend after learning that he cheated on his wife, and that it was one of the worst things a person could do to their spouse. She said that she didn't think it was a big deal, that she didn't know she really believed in monogamy, and that with consent, she felt it was reasonable to seek things outside of marriage that one wasn't getting in marriage. I reacted very poorly to this, but we talked about the subject a number of times afterwards, and her position is a little nuanced. My wife is bi, and her example was that her being with another woman, with my consent, would not be cheating, since that wasn't an experience I could give. She also told me that it would only be fair if I could also be with another woman for reciprocity purposes (and indeed she told me one of her biggest fantasies would be for her to watch me be intimate with another woman, and then perhaps join in). But she was very clear about how consent had to be provided before anything happened. Neither of us have ever acted on this (as far as I am aware), but I think it helps explain her worldview.

Here, her internal thought process (before discovery) was that she needed emotional support during the day, I was unavailable since I was at work, so she found it elsewhere. When the emotional support turned inappropriate, she admits she made the selfish choice to continue with it, since she didn't want to lose it and could internally justify it to herself as "well as long as we don't fuck it's not true cheating" and "I'm not really taking anything away from my husband since he couldn't talk to me during the day anyways." I think they are twisted arguments, but knowing her, they actually are the sorts of things she would internally think to justify her actions.

And she really did need someone during that time - my wife is bipolar and was having a severe episode when the affair started going down. I just wish she had gone to a therapist or chosen a female friend, rather than my male former best friend. It turns out that the medication my wife had been on for ~15 years was not really working anymore (your body starts getting immune to it), so her psychiatrist prescribed her a different medication and she is a substantially better (and happier) person as a result.

And as to your last question, I guess I'm just not that worried now because we have solved for the primary issue, and frankly, I am the guy who is fit, attractive, and rich. We've also solved for the issues that caused her to stray in the first place. And I'm also just much more alert now - I ignored obvious signs because I was overly trusting.

Update #4: August 21, 2024

This is part 5 of the ongoing circus that is my personal life. In my last post, a lot of you expressed concern, surprise, or anger that my SIL was now meeting up with Rick. Those are all probably valid reactions to this news.

Yesterday, I decided that we should figure out what is going on between the two of them, and my wife and I reached out to SIL. I'm glad we did, because things just keep getting weirder and weirder. Rick and SIL have met up 5 or 6 times, either for coffee or drinks. The most recent (and likely final) meet-up was actually at Rick's house one evening - his wife and daughter were out of town visiting family (Rick had to work and couldn't go) and he had the place to himself, so he invited SIL over for a drink.

While hanging out, he told SIL that he believes he was married both to my wife and to SIL in prior lives, and that he is glad to have been reunited with them. He then told SIL that she was beautiful and put his hand on the side of her face (as one might do to one's partner - in my view it is a fairly intimate act).

This perhaps unsurprisingly freaked SIL out. To give her credit, she told Rick that he was being highly inappropriate, that he needed to stop, and that he couldn't keep taking someone trying to be a friend to him as showing interest in him. She then scolded him for doing this first to my wife and then to her. It's the sort of thing I wish my wife had told him when he started being inappropriate with her. From what I understand, she then left.

She has been ghosting him since then. Rick has apparently frantically texted her dozens and dozens of times.

SIL emphasized to us that she had no romantic interest in Rick and was just trying to be a friend to him.

It's all just odd to me. I've known Rick for years and I feel like the current Rick is a stranger. It makes me wonder if I ever actually knew the real Rick - I guess not.

Relevant Comments

Mental-Woodpecker300: This makes me wonder if Rick has something medical going on. We've seen it a few times on here that sudden erratic personality changes turn out to be some kind of mental break or even a developing tumor.

OOP: I legitimately do think there is a decent possibility of this.

YuXell411: Definitely keep SIL away from Rick. He seems very unstable. From reading your other posts, there's something that I'm struggling to understand and that's why Rick's wife isn't told about what's happening. I don't know about you, but it feels incredibly selfish to keep this from her. It makes you just as much an accomplice in the affair. I'm all for you and your wife trying to fix your marriage, but it's really hard trying to be sympathetic with your situation when there's hypocritical instances like this.

OOP: It's a fair point. Part of me wishes I had told her when I originally discovered everything. My wife talked me out of it. Rick's daughter is my daughter's best friend, and if Rick's wife knew it would most likely destroy that friendship. There's also a good chance my wife would get kicked out of the larger friend group, which would mean my kids would to a large extent also lose access to their closest friends. I care about my kids immensely, and don't want that to happen to them, since it would be pretty devastating. But there are definitely days where I wake up and think I should just say "fuck it" and tell her.

YuXell411: So the lesser of two evils. I understand, don't necessarily agree, but understand. I pray things work out. I've seen people leave the damaged bandaid on instead of taking it off, only for the cut to become infected. Most truths have a way of coming out and more often than not, the damage is more severe the longer a secret is kept. All the best OP

OOP: If they had slept together I would have definitely told Rick's wife. I'm fairly confident, however, that they did not. And so I think I'd suffer myself if I knew that doing the "just" thing then caused a bunch of harm to my kids.

Forward-Two3846: OP, I think your wife convinced you not to tell the AP's wife because she (the wife) might be able to find proof of a physical affair. Honestly as it stands your wife has had no real consequences for her cheating. Honestly she actually gained a more attentive husband out of the deal. What is to discourage your attention seeking wife from doing this again in the future when she feels like you are not enough again.

OOP: It's possible. I do think her arguments are valid though. And while she suffered no real consequences, she also does recognize this. She privately told her sister (who then relayed it to me) that she knows she got off easy and is trying her hardest to do the right thing and repay my grace towards her.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP