How To Make A Long-distance Friendship Work

If you see Alexandria Agresta breaking into a wide grin, one of her best friends—who lives thousands of miles away—probably just sent her a meme or an inspirational quote from Instagram. The person may or may not have included a note about why they liked it. Either way, the notification dinging on her phone thrills her. “It’s this really powerful symbol that during their busy day, they saw this thing and thought of you,” says Agresta, 30, who lives in Miami. “It gives me tingles. To me, in this digital age, it’s such a beautiful symbol of connection—like the digital form of unconditional love.”

[time-brightcove not-tgx=”true”]

Agresta, whose long-distance BFFs live around the globe, saves all the Instagram posts her friends send her in a special folder on the app. Then, when she’s feeling lonely, she can click through—and that big smile will return.

While nurturing long-distance friendships takes work, the payoff is worth it, experts say—and even small gestures like those that are meaningful to Agresta can keep bonds alive. “You have to find ways to keep that friendship special,” says Kristen Suleman, a therapist in Houston whose clients often bring up long-distance friendships. “It’s all too easy to have different schedules, and live in different time zones, and be like, ‘Out of sight, out of mind.’ You have to let that person know they matter to you, and that the role they play is irreplaceable.”

We asked experts—and people working to maintain their own long-distance friendships—to share their favorite ways to keep those bonds strong.

Check in about communication preferences

First, get clear on how much communication will help each person feel like their needs are being met, advises Jerilyn Adams, a therapist in Milwaukee who estimates that 90% of her friendships are long-distance. One friend might be happy with the occasional check-in, while another is staring at their phone, awaiting a text that never arrives. Having a direct conversation about what the right amount for each friend is can help prevent feelings of being forgotten about or not prioritized, Adams says.

Keep in mind, too, that each person might prefer a differ type of communication. Jacqueline Shaulis, 47, of Martinsburg, W.V., has been cultivating long-distance friendships for years, in some cases with people she’s never met in person. One friend exclusively texts; another always calls on the phone. “We’ve all come to respect one another’s way of connecting,” she says. “It happened over time, with a lot of trial and error. It’s just about finding that rhythm that allows you to nurture the friendship consistently.” When in doubt, she adds, always ask.

Schedule regular virtual or phone catchups—and make them special

Suleman and her friends, who have lived in different parts of the country for around 20 years, make it a point to schedule monthly or bimonthly calls. Since she and many of her best friends are parents, the calls are often after the kids’ bedtimes. “We schedule them a few weeks out,” she says, because otherwise busy schedules might keep these catchups from actually making it onto the calendar. As she points out, “Life can happen—but we try to commit to it.”

When Suleman wants to let her friends know she’s thinking of them, she Venmos them $5 or $10 and tells them to get a treat on her. “It’s just the gesture that matters,” she says. “Sometimes we do that right before a catchup call, and it’s like we’re having coffee together because we went and bought it for each other.”

See each other in person when you can

Friend trips require a financial investment and a lot of coordination, but if you can swing them, they ensure you always have something to look forward to. Plus, they prove you’re committed to keeping the friendship alive. Suleman and her friends do one annually; they’ve been to Seattle and Miami, for example, and this year, they’ll do a girls’ weekend in New England.

If a trip sounds like too much of a splurge, get creative about ways to make a get-together work. Brianna Paruolo, a psychotherapist in New York, suggests visiting each other’s cities and, if possible, staying in your friend’s home. Hosting each other “can be cost-friendly,” she says, “while also promoting more quality time.” If you’d still like to travel somewhere new, skip the star-power destinations and focus on more affordable places.

When you’re in the planning stage, Suleman suggests maintaining a shared Google doc or iPhone note where you can brainstorm ideas about where to go and what to see when you get there. “It’s been such a collaborative thing,” she says. “We say, ‘Where have we been, and where have we not been?’ It helps us build those shared experiences.”

Agresta and her friends, meanwhile, like to have at least one trip on the calendar at all times, usually to a music festival, since that’s something they all enjoy. “It’s like killing three birds with one stone,” she says. “You get to see each other, see an artist, and travel somewhere new.” Though they aim to take one group vacation a year, they’re sometimes able to pull off more; last year, the long-distance friends saw each other five times. “If we have at least one on the calendar, that’s perfect,” Agresta says. “But we’re pleasantly surprised when it’s more than that.”

Find small ways to keep each other updated on daily life

When you and your friend live in different parts of the country, you miss out on all the day-to-day details that create a shared history. That’s why Adams suggests keeping each other updated: sending links to restaurant menus before you go out to eat, for example, and mentioning the names of the people you’ll be with, instead of simply referring to them as “friends.”

Another way to do that, Suleman adds, is to get into the habit of sending each other audio messages throughout the day. It’s a simple way to keep in regular touch, without having to pour a lot of mental energy into crafting a long text or email.

Get your whole family involved

Suleman and her long-distance friends make it a point to show photos of each other’s families to their kids. That way, it’s clear “they’re important in our lives, even though we don’t see them very often,” she says.

On birthdays, the friends take things a step further and enlist their entire family to help make a festive video. Maybe they sing in it; maybe they all learn a celebratory TikTok dance to mark the special day. “Whether it’s for them or their kids, it shows you’re thinking of them,” Suleman says. “It’s an easy thing to do, but it makes a big difference.”

Don’t underestimate the value of snail mail

Go old-school and write handwritten letters to your friends, advises Natalie Rosado, a licensed mental-health counselor in Tampa. You can add surprises like drawings, trinkets, books, friendship bracelets, or even photo prints from the last time you got together. “Handwritten letters are personal and meaningful,” she says. “They add a nostalgic and tangible element to the friendship.” Your friend might display them on their wall or refrigerator and look that way every time they need a spark of joy in their day.

Create a shared photo album

Suleman and her friends send each other photo texts regularly, but sometimes, things get lost in the chaos of the day. So they created a shared photo album that they can all add to and peruse when time allows. “There’s no pressure or expectation, but whenever any of us thinks of it, we try to add a few,” she says. “It could be things that are important to each of us—one friend will be like, ‘Look at these gorgeous flowers.’ And someone else will be excited about their kid’s outfit.”

If you’re feeling especially motivated, you could even set up a monthly photo challenge. Assign a theme—like home-cooked meals or dramatic views—and at the end of the month, share your top five to 10 favorites with each other. “It provides a window into daily experiences and keeps the connection vivid,” Rosado says.

Participate in activities together

Who needs proximity? Today’s technology allows friends to embark on all sorts of projects together, even across time zones. Depending on what you’re interested in, you and your friend could start a blog, a digital scrapbook, or even an online business together, Rosado points out. “Working toward a common goal strengthens the bond,” she says. Or choose a weekend night to make dinner together: You can follow the same recipe, and cook or bake together over FaceTime. Once it’s time to enjoy the dish, keep chatting—allowing the conversation to, finally, veer away from how many cups of milk you need and whether the meat looks too crispy.

Another idea: Join an online fitness class together or follow the same routine from a platform like YouTube. “Share progress, motivate each other, and even exercise together over a video call,” Rosado suggests.

Show up for each other’s milestones

Agresta recently became a DJ, and she invited her favorite people to her Miami rooftop for a special debut party. All her long-distance best friends made the trip. Even those who live on the other side of the country told her: “We wouldn’t miss it for the world. We’re going to be there,” she recalls. The experience taught her that it’s essential to make an effort to be there for each other’s milestones, and not just weddings or new babies. “Those are a given,” she says. “But for me, becoming a DJ was really important, and I wanted everyone I loved to be there. That was like my wedding,” and it wouldn’t have been complete without the presence of long-distance friends.