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Woman’s People-pleasing Friend Kept Acting Like A Martyr On Their Trip, She Could Not Stand Her
Sometimes, someone might go too far to get another person to like them. They might agree with everything they say, do whatever they want, and put on a pleasing facade. Although it might seem like the best tactic to build a friendship, it’s actually the worst way to go about it.
That’s exactly what happened between these two friends when one woman bent over backward and gave in to everything the other woman wanted to do. It was a pretty annoying experience for the poster, but her story left netizens divided.
More info: Mumsnet
Woman’s overly nice behavior on holiday fills friend with suppressed rage, and she ends up venting about it online
Image credits: Pixabay / unsplash (not the actual photo)
The poster explained that she and her husband invited an old friend on holiday with them to Europe since they had a place to stay there and a boat
Image credits: RDNE Stock project / pexels (not the actual photo)
But the holiday didn’t go as planned because even though the friend seemed to be very thoughtful and considerate, the poster felt like it was all an act
Image credits: Tima Miroshnichenko / pexels (not the actual photo)
The friend kept putting herself down or acting like a martyr in different situations, and this only made the woman feel more annoyed
Image credits: endlessnonsense
The poster explained that although this friend had always been a people pleaser, her behavior on the trip was just too much to handle
The Original Poster (OP) shared that the woman used to be her neighbor. She clarified that although they were never close friends, she liked the woman and enjoyed conversations with her since they worked in similar careers. She did tell netizens that “I guess, deep down, to be honest, I always considered her a bit of a wet blanket compared to my other friends.”
But the poster and her husband took pity on the woman and decided to invite her on their holiday because she had been going through a divorce from her ex-husband. This turned out to be a bad decision because the lady spent her whole time “pretending” to be thoughtful and considerate, which the OP found incredibly irritating.
This is quite common behavior for people pleasers. They find it hard to say no to others, tend to overcommit, never advocate for their needs, and avoid disagreeing with others. That’s exactly what the woman was doing, but it seemed like she was going to extreme extents to make herself seem more agreeable.
Most people pleasers think that by being thoughtful and considerate, people will like them more. In fact, this kind of behavior may often have the opposite effect. It might come across as a lack of confidence, low self-esteem, or insecurity. Sometimes, people even feel contempt and annoyance toward such extreme people-pleasing.
To understand more about people-pleasing and its effect on friendships, Bored Panda interviewed Dr. Carla Manly, a clinical psychologist, life fulfillment expert, and author of The Joy of Imperfect Love. She also started a podcast called Imperfect Love to help people discover how to transform love’s struggles and flaws into uplifting growth.
Dr. Carla said that “although some people are naturally wired to have more people-pleasing tendencies, extreme people-pleasing often results from mental health concerns including attachment issues, anxiety, or PTSD. Depending on your personality, a friend’s chronic people-pleasing behaviors can give rise to a variety of feelings ranging from confusion and irritation to anger, resentment, and disgust.”
“In cases where people-pleasing is coupled with passive-aggressive behavior, the toxic dynamic can lead to resentment and anger. In essence, extreme people-pleasing will affect each friendship differently; the outcome depends on each friend’s personality, the nature of the dynamics, and the friends’ mutual interest in fostering healthy interactions that feel good to both people,” she added.
The poster did clarify that the woman wasn’t meek in her normal life and was a “very senior professional in a very high-powered international role in a male-dominated field.” But, she also stated that the lady’s recent breakup with her ex could have affected her in more ways than one and may have led to this kind of behavior.
Image credits: Meg von Haartman / unsplash (not the actual photo)
We asked Dr. Carla what someone could do if they found an aspect of their friend’s personality annoying. She said: “it’s important to pause to see if you can nonjudgmentally ‘make space’ for differences that aren’t harmful. As we are all imperfect humans, we can foster our own personal growth by mindfully allowing for others’ differences. However, it’s not always possible to overlook certain personality traits or behaviors, especially when the issues are on the extreme end of the spectrum.”
“If you find a friend’s actions or certain personality traits extremely grating, it’s important to voice your concerns in a gentle, nonjudgmental way using I-statements. For example, if your friend people-pleases to the point of being a doormat, you might say, ‘I feel uneasy when it appears you are extremely accommodating to everyone. I feel triggered, as I worry that others might take advantage of you.’ I-statements allow the speaker to express their feelings and concerns without casting any blame or shame on the other person’s actions.”
Counselors also state that people-pleasing can be unlearnt. It’s important for people to slowly learn to prioritize their own needs and say no if they truly don’t want to do something. Even if they fall back into old patterns, it’s important to lead with self-compassion. Slowly setting boundaries is the best way to overcome being a people-pleaser.
Dr. Carla also stated that “friendships can surely be negatively impacted if one person continually disregards their own feelings, needs, and wants in favor of the other person’s desires. The healthiest of relationships tend to be highly reciprocal in nature, with respect for each person’s perspectives and needs. However, some people do not have strong preferences or desires and may naturally gravitate toward those who are more assertive or have strong opinions.”
“It’s important to slow down to notice if a friend is ‘giving in,’ being passive-aggressive, or if they are simply more ‘go with the flow’ in nature. Some friendships thrive when one person is more passive or relaxed in their preferences and needs while the other enjoys being the leader. However, a friend has needs and preferences that aren’t being voiced due to issues such as low self-esteem, a lack of confidence, poor communication skills, or passive-aggressive tendencies, the friendship can erode over time,” she added.
It truly seems like the woman just wanted to be extra nice to her friend who had invited her on a holiday. But, her actions backfired and annoyed the poster instead. It just goes to show that sometimes, the things we do with the best intentions may not work out as we hoped. At least we know for sure that these two women won’t be taking a trip together again anytime soon.
So, whose side are you on after reading this story? Let us know in the comments.
