British satirical comedy show The Mash Report once did a hilarious skit about why you should never ask a man what he’s thinking. You’ll find the clip a little further down. Basically, in the fake news report a couple’s romantic weekend away was ruined after a guy’s wife wanted to know his innermost thoughts. Needless to say, his reply wasn’t what she wanted to hear. It had nothing to do with her, their holiday, their relationship, or anything of real substance. Instead, he was deep in thought about some random rubbish. And she was not impressed.

While intended to be satirical and funny, the fake news clip held some good, genuine advice: Don’t ask if you don’t want to know. And, the chances are he's thinking about nothing. Or nothing important. People have been sharing their own hilarious replies to the question "what are you thinking?" From the bizarre, to the confusing, to the downright annoying, Bored Panda has gathered the best answers. Keep scrolling for a glimpse into the mindless thoughts of men. And don't forget to upvote your favorites.

#1

One time my ex-husband and I were laying in bed, cuddled up, secretly eating ice cream we'd hidden from the kids, and I asked what he was thinking about. I'll never forget his answer.
He said "RoboCop."

Image credits: Alexandra Andrews

#2

My wife saw me looking out over the deck at a beautiful sunset and asked what I was thinking and I asked if I was cloned or duplicated would my clones recognize I was in charge or would they try to take over which would backfire my plan of not working to begin with. She walked back in the house.

Image credits: Mike Stansell

#3

When asked what I was thinking, I said I wonder how much water is in the Pacific Ocean.

Image credits: Charles Alvin Sedan

#4

My wife saw me staring off in the distance, squinting my eyes and asked what I was thinking.. I'm trying to line up the edge of the TV with a beam and ceiling behind it. Never asked me again.

Image credits: Tim White

#5

Whenever my wife asks what I'm thinking about, I always tell her I'm thinking about dragons. Truthfully, neither of us were thinking about dragons, but now we are both thinking about dragons. It's a win/win

Image credits: Chris Vanden Broek

#6

My girl: what are you thinking?
Me: how many kilojoule of fart would it take to lift me an inch from the floor?

Image credits: Marvin Huang

#7

married 22 years, I know better… when I ask, it’s because I know the answer will be ridiculous.

After a romantic dinner that he made to welcome me home…

Me: Babe, what ya thinking?
Hub: Not much…
Me: C’mon..
Hub: Jack the Ripper…

It’s that or the bunnies… I’d never expect some big romantic whatever…

“I’m wondering if a robot might be handy”

He’s the most perfect amount of weird!

Image credits: Melanie Willow Bourgeois

#8

Yeah, I once said I wonder why Elmer Fudd is such a bad shot. And how does the coyote keep buying all that acme stuff instead of just spending the money on a meal. I guess that’s why the relationship didn’t last long.

Image credits: Steven Eleftheriadis

#9

My wife asked me yesterday what I was thinking and I answered "Ace Ventura". No joke

Image credits: Marlon Weathers

#10

Me & my girl were in bed just chillin. She was reading, I was watching tv & she looked at me & said “what’re you thinking about babe?”
I said “I wonder how many flavors of Gatorade there actually are.”
She just said nvm & kept reading.

Image credits: Adam Felton

#11

My ex girlfriend once asked me while we were lying in bed, what’s your fantasy, something you’ve never told anyone? I said I sometimes fantasize about being the best footballer in the world who moonlights in a rock band……
She burst out laughing

Image credits: Peter Moody

#12

I just asked my husband of 3 children last night, "What was the greatest day of your life?" He was really thinking hard and I said "You don't have to choose between the kids births" and he said "Yeah that too, but I can't lie when the Eagles won the Superbowl 7 years back that was such a great day." REALLY!

Image credits: Christy Montanero

#13

I asked my husband what he was thinking one night laying in bed. He was staring up at the ceiling deep in thought. He said "I'm thinking about no cornices vs cornices"

Image credits: Kate Henderson

#14

About 20 years ago we talked about getting married. He said he was going to propose at some point so I was waiting.

After a couple times of wondering when and how it would happen, we were traveling together.

We ended up at the Arch in St. Louis. We were wandering through the park around sunset and he started glancing around a little nervous. Then he looked at me intently and I thought "oh wow this is it."

Then he said, "I'll be right back, I gotta [pee] and I can't find an outhouse."

Image credits: Sarah Rathwell

#15

My ex-girlfriend would always ask me “a penny for your thoughts”. It got so annoying because many times I really was thinking about nothing. She wanted to hear something romantic and there really was nothing at the moment to share. That doesn’t mean I was never thinking about her romantically. It was just not so at that moment. This is how men think. Women need to understand that.

Image credits: John Depew

#16

I once asked a BF what he was thinking. The answer- 'Nothing, I was just singing a song in my head.'
Was 20 years ago, I'm still trying to decide if he was stupid or a genius.

Image credits: Mandy Kissock

#17

Mine and my husband's conversation a few months ago:

Me: what are you thinking about? Cuz you look super focused.
Him: all the stuff I need to do on farming simulator
Me: why don't you play it then?
Him: I just wanna think about it right now, I'm not in the mood to actually play it.

I laughed so hard but I get it and I wouldn't have it any other way.

#18

We went to see Gladiator 2 recently. After the movie I was sitting thinking and my wife asked what could possibly be on my mind as I looked very serious. I replied, “how the hell did they get great white sharks into the coliseum??”

Image credits: Greg Morton

#19

I wonder if I could bite through a crab’s leg.

Image credits: SausageOnToast

#20

I wonder if I could start my own business selling sand from the beach.

Image credits: SausageOnToast

#21

Me: *thinks boyfriend is mad bc he’s being very quiet*

Me: “whatcha thinking about?”

Him: “about how bike tires are made”

????

Ladies we gotta stop worrying what boys are thinking bc 9 times out of 10 it’s some dumb s**t like this

#22

Went on a walk with my gf and she asked what I was thinking about so intently so I had to tell her “right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot”

#23

Not quite the same but I still laugh at this glimpse into whatever’s going on (or not going on!) in my hubbys brain sometimes. We were watching a movie together and he asked me “Hey, is that the actor from that Jesus movie we watched?” And I said “Which Jesus movie?” And he said “The Jesus Christ movie”

#24

My ex wife used to ask me what I was thinking alllllllllllllll the time, and I would say nothing, I'm not thinking of anything. She would keep asking me for over a year until I just said alright you want to know what I'm thinking? 'm thinking who would win between the white queen professor in a chess match on the astral plane with the x-men as chess pieces. And she got mad saying that's what you're thinking? I said yeah, now you know why I said nothing all those times. We got into an argument about me not being open with my thoughts and when she said I always tell you what I'm thinking I asked her how many times did I ask you? She never asked me again for the last four ears we were together.

Image credits: Eriq Magnus

#25

Years ago I heard a comedian say his wife insisted to know what he was thinking. After warning her and she still insisting she’d feel better if she understood, he said, “I’m thinking I work too much, you spend too much and I still find other women attractive. Feel better now?”

#26

The other night, whilst lying in bed with my wife, she asked me what I was thinking at that very moment. I told her that I was thinking about what bulls**t I could make up, on the fly, if she were to ask me what I was thinking, at that very moment.

#27

Some time ago on a hike a guy stopped, looked in my eyes, hugged me and said 'today is 6 months we've known each other' to what I replied 's**t, is it 5th today? The salmon in my fridge goes out of date'. What was indeed true, I remember I had to cook it by 5th.

#28

The last date I went on the guy asked me the same question while we were driving.

"I was thinking about the rise in lumber prices and the different reasons for it." was not what he was expecting. I said a bunch more on my thoughts about lumber prices, but that's not worth repeating here.

We had passed a place that said they had lumber for sale.

#29

I got annoyed at my boo once because he was quiet but he was thinking about ways he could take apart and rebuild his Xbox ?

#30

I asked Kaylan [what he was thinking about] the other day and he said ‘how to make the perfect beef Wellington’ and like honestly, mood

#31

My husband had been single for years before we married. A couple of months after our marriage I asked him why he decided to marry me. He said, to stop other women chasing him. Couldn't he have lied.

#32

After fifteen minutes of silence she said "talk to me" and I said "it's gonna be 4 months til the karate kid movie, you wanna see it?"
"If I'm still here"

#33

It took me a few times to truly understand the folly of asking a man what they’re thinking about, but the first time should have been lesson enough: when a guy responded, “I was just looking at my feet.”

#34

At my wedding reception, since I was known to be an excellent trumpet player, I was asked to play a song with the band. So after a number of songs I requested were not in the band’s repertoire, we settled on a beautiful McCartney song “Yesterday”….which was well received by all the guests. Even my wife told me that sounded very nice. Then I had an epiphany and said laughingly, “I think I committed a terrible faux pax just now” and she said “Why would you say that?” And I uttered the lyrics “Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away. Now it looks though as tho they’re here to stay. Oh I believe in yesterday. Suddenly, I’m not half the man I used to be. There’s a shadow hanging over me, Oh yesterday came suddenly.” And then she crossed her arms and grit her teeth together and pounded her foot into the floor. I learned to not share some amusing thoughts with the wife…….

#35

Once, I was imagining that all humans had been wiped out and I was following, with my mind's eye, a pack of dogs as they learned to fend for themselves. Just as I got to the part where they encountered a wolf for the first time, I hear, "what are you thinking?"
I said, "nothing."
"I know you're thinking about something, I can tell."

#36

My wife watched me staring at the TV and she asked what I'm thinking. My reply: "nothing," because I'm trying to enjoy watching a football game on TV.

#37

My partner and I both just go with the last thought.

Me (at 10pm): I was just wondering why the sparrows stick around when I fill the birdfeeder, but the mourning doves leave for at least an hour before coming back to eat.

Him: What if I made t-shirts with our cat as the star on old skool rap album covers? Do you think anyone else would want them?

Previous thoughts that led to those comments would be a nightmare to untangle.

#38

A high chance it's something he doesn't want to share or hasn't quite processed yet. It could be anything imaginable.

"Dr said the spot on my arm was caught in time, but what if it hadn't? What have I accomplished?"

"The boss was looking at me kinda strangely, should I be worried about my job? Im too old to start over, no one will hire me."

"What happened to my little girl, she's always spending time with that BF of hers, we used to love watching TV together, but she always says she's busy. I miss her. But I don't want to annoy her."

And as a fun bonus, some men want you to ask/ insist on telling you what 'nothing' is. Others don't. We're complicated!

#39

Back when my parents were dating, Mum asked my father this. His response? 'Pizza.' He thought she meant for dinner. ?

#40

Friend's SO once asked him why he was crying and he said, "It's just cold outside". Me, "Why didn't you say 'I'm just so happy with you"?

#41

A few days ago my boyfriend was staring off so I was like “are you ok?” “Babe?” “Are you mad??”
This man snaps out of it and goes “huh..wut? Sorry I was looking at that squirrel..look at him living his life..I wonder if he has any responsibilities“

Bruh what?? ???

#42

During a (seemingly) sweet and tender moment last night, I asked my boyfriend what he was thinking about and he said “how devastating Wookiees would be in a medieval setting.”

#43

So I was chilling with my bf in the living room, and I saw him staring into absolute nothingness and I was a bit concerned but I didn't quite pay attention.

Then I saw him do it again a few times over the week and when I asked him whether there was something he was thinking, he told me he was thinking about "nothing"

I didn't quite understand, how do you think of "nothing"?

#44

My husband, his best friend, and I were at a swimming pool a couple years ago. They were on the far side of the pool, and they waved me over. So I swam all the way over there thinking they were about to tell me something important. I said what's up? They could barely contain their laughter. And the best friend said "we're talking about poop." I about died laughing. Women need to have more of a sense of humor.

#45

My babymum asks me that question all the time and on one occasion I was wondering "if a fly was flying past me at say 2mph and I was on a bus doing 30mph is the fly doing 2 or 32mph

#46

I was at a gig watching a band play and my boyfriend at the time standing close next to me leaned in to me to say in my ear.. Theres something very sexy about a female bass player

#47

My wife asked me the same and I replied that a person called me and told me my car warranty was running out. I don't know if it's the 02, the 03, or the 06. I didn't know that Toyota or Lincoln had over 20 years warranties.

#48

Getting ready to go out to San Francisco for New Year's, my then gf decided to let her 15 yr old daughter do her makeup. After more than an hour, she came out with a face full of unexpected makeup and asked me how she looked. Before I could stop and think I replied 'You look funny.'
We in fact did not go out that night after all.

#49

All men are the same and think of the same things, so he was definitely thinking that he needs to replace the radiator on his 2013 Hyundai Elantra, but he said "nothing" cause he didn't want to cause a concern.

#50

My mom used to ask my dad questions like this, but eventually gave up when the answers were usually something like “Thinking about my car” or “Wondering why my car leaked oil today”.

She never minded it, because at least she never had to worry about him thinking about other women or running off with them. He’d just be out in the garage with his car.

#51

Sometimes I have that 1,000-yard stare and my wife asks me what I’m thinking about and the answer is that Craig Biggio got hit by 34 pitches in 1997. It’s very disappointing for her.

#52

There is lit nothing going on inside men’s heads. I asked my bf what he was thinking about while in the car and he said “making this left turn” they are truly one step above a single cell organism

#53

My ex asked me once while out on a walk what I was thinking. Said "glad you are not coming hunting with us tomorrow. You are to noisy when you walk" she then asked are you saying I am heavy? Yeah the romance went out of the evening from that point on. Honesty is not the best policy. Trust me

#54

For me, it’d be random thoughts. Start on one subject, the train rolls over 2 or 3 others, while running through a few hypothetical scenarios. Usually banal stuff, and how the heck do I put that into words to follow the train when it’s nothing of import anyway? It’d take an hour to run through it all verbally, if I even remember it after ten minutes.

Ergo, “Nothing”