You Are Cordially Invited To An Event That Could Ruin Your Life

“I’d want to know if anybody nominated for a high-level job in Washington legitimately assaulted somebody … If people have an allegation to make, come forward and make it … We’ll decide whether or not it’s credible.” — Senator Lindsey Graham, December 2024

Dear Accuser,

You may have heard the open call we recently issued to you and others who have leveled allegations of sexual assault against [decent family men / hardworking public servants]. We write now to extend the invitation to you directly. You have been personally selected to share your “experience” of sexual assault with the United States Senate. Congratulations!

Your hearing will take place in person at [specify venue] and will be streamed across our digital platforms. If the “story” you tell proves to be especially [timely / compelling / salacious] or politically [convenient for us / inconvenient for our friends across the aisle], footage of your testimony might also be aired live on cable-news channels or repackaged for prime-time highlight reels.

In short, this is a rare and exciting opportunity for you to [specify benefit of participation for Accuser; if none, substitute “serve your country”]. Indeed, this invitation has already offered several benefits:

First, it has allowed us to (re)introduce the phrase “legitimately assaulted” into the public lexicon.

Second, to be very honest with you, Accuser, we as a group have been slightly concerned about our standing with some women of late. Publicizing this invitation has allowed us to emphasize how willing we are to [tolerate / humor] your accusations before we [assess / dismiss] them.

Third, if you [ignore / decline / are honestly a bit baffled by] our invitation, we may publicize your refusal to cooperate with us and express our dismay at your defiance.

Fourth, as we publicize your refusal, we will [assume / imply / insist] that your silence proves you to be a [liar / fraud / hussy].

Fifth, we will use this evidence of your dishonesty and fraudulence to cast doubt on any assault claim made by you and/or other Accusers, now and in the future.

These, we feel, are reasons enough to accept our offer. However, since we are keenly aware of all that Accusers stand to gain from coming forward, we understand that you, too, might be seeking more personalized benefits from your participation. In the spirit of accommodation, then, we are happy to outline some additional perks:

Self-promotion: Your participation will most likely make you famous—briefly, or perhaps permanently. Your sexual history will become a topic of local investigation and national conversation. So will your story more broadly. Widespread exposure on this level is something that most brands can only dream of.

Self-esteem: Feedback from others can make all the difference in a journey of self-improvement, and your participation will be assessed by a diverse group of reviewers eager to offer their opinions not only on your appearance, but also on your overall demeanor and person. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to gather constructive criticism from a potentially worldwide audience.

Self-improvement: Would you like to build your emotional resilience? You could spend months working with a therapist … or you could spend a few hours being interrogated by some of the nation’s most powerful politicians. Instant grit! Furthermore, because any disclosure you make comes with the possibility that you could be sued for defamation, participation will encourage you to choose your words more carefully than you ever have before—a mindfulness practice that will serve you for the rest of your life.

Self-knowledge: How many people would be willing to uproot their lives for this all-risk/no-reward opportunity? Very few. Are you one of them? There is only one way to find out: If you have an allegation to make, come forward and make it. We’ll decide whether or not it’s credible.

We would be delighted for you to join us, and you are welcome for the opportunity. We await your prompt response. If you have questions in the meantime, we would be happy to put you in touch with some of our past attendees. Anita Hill, Christine Blasey Ford, and several more of our previous participants can attest that their experiences with us have been truly life-changing.

Sincerely,

The United States Senate