Coworker Doesn’t Follow Her Own Fragrance Ban, Son-in-law Won’t Show Up On Time, And More

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

I’m on vacation. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.

1. My coworker doesn’t follow her own fragrance ban

I have a coworker who’s sensitive to smells. It’s so bad that our entire office is under a strict “no heavy perfume or scented lotions” rule. The person who’s “sensitive” is so sensitive that she claims to get asthma from strong scents. She has been known to stand over people with her hand in front of her face “gagging” or complaining of migraines from a smell she smells.

Here’s where the hypocrisy comes in. She herself wears a perfume DAILY. And it’s not just a light pleasant aroma that’s barely detectable. Oh no — it’s actually gag-inducing and lingers for a half an hour if she’s used a room for something. She’s hugged me for various accomplishments and then I was stuck with that scent until I walked outside to air it out for 15 minutes.

Is there a tactful way to approach her, because the rest of the building adheres to a rule in place FOR HER, but yet she doesn’t adhere to it.

People who have bad reactions to fragrances don’t always have those reactions across the board — one scent might set someone off while another doesn’t. So the fact that she has at least one fragrance that she knows is safe for her doesn’t mean that she’s misrepresenting her fragrance sensitivity in general (which I think is what you’re implying, based on your language here).

However, if there’s a fragrance ban in your office, she needs to follow it. She might be figuring that it was put in place for her and she knows what will and won’t set her off so she can wear things she knows will be fine for her — but that’s not how this works. There may be others there who need the ban as well but who didn’t think they needed to speak up about it because it already existed … but even if there aren’t, it’s an office rule and she needs to follow it. And really, that’s in her best interests anyway, since otherwise other people will figure they can get lax about it too.

Ideally you’d talk to her directly: “Jane, you’re wearing a scent that I seem to be sensitive to. Can I ask you not to wear it to work, in line with the office rule about fragrances?” But if you’re frustrated to the point that you can’t give her much benefit of the doubt, you’re better off having HR handle it. It’s reasonable to ask HR to enforce this kind of policy; just be sure when you talk to them that you frame it as “this is giving me a physical reaction” and/or “can you help enforce this policy?” and not as “Jane is a huge hypocrite.”

– 2019

2. Our son-in-law works for us and won’t show up on time

We have had a family-owned business for 18 years. My dilemma is I have a 30-year-old future son-in-law who has been in our family for 10 years and worked for us for seven. He is a great employee as far as handling things around our shop, working steadily doing day to day tasks. He takes his job seriously when he is there. The problem is he comes in late every day and does not clock in or out. Everyone else is expected to do this, but he does not. My husband sat him down and talked with him about it just yesterday, and today he showed up two hours late and still did not clock in or out.

I am confused by this behavior. Obviously he feels that he is superior to everyone in the shop and does not have to go by this rule. I do not want to start a big fight as we have had a huge problem in the past with a family member taking advantage and had to let him go. He has not done this for the whole time he has been employed with us, just for the last couple of years. I have tried to talk with him before but he has told me it is different for him because he is a member of our family. I do consider this my error in letting it go for so long, but have no clue as how to talk with him about it, and my husband will just blow up and possibly let him go, which will ruin our family relationship with our daughter. How do I speak with him about it and what are some good suggestions for making him come in on time?

Well, you can try telling him very directly that, contrary to what he’s said in the past, he’s not exempt from your business’s rules just because he’s family, and that you need him to be on time and clock in and out. And you can tell him the only way you can continue employing him is if he plays by the same rules as everyone else. But if you say those things and don’t really mean them — in other words, if you’re not willing to hold him accountable as you would other employees — then you’re effectively ceding all power over to him, and at that point you’re just relying on wheedling and cajoling him into changing his behavior. That puts you in a really bad situation. Do you want to employ a son-in-law who won’t respect you as his employer and refuses to abide by your workplace policies?

It sounds like you and your husband need to decide if you’re willing to hold him to the same expectations as everyone else or not. One way to go about it that might minimize tension with your daughter (or maybe not, depending on how fair and reasonable she is) is to frame it as, “Bob, it’s up to you if you want to keep working here. If you want to stay, you need to arrive on time and clock in and out like everyone else. We hope you’ll decide to stay, but this is non-negotiable — and if you don’t do those things, we’ll assume you’ve decided the job isn’t for you anymore, and we’ll need to mutually figure out an ending date.”

Alternately, if you want to preserve family harmony at all costs, you could think about whether there’s a way to restructure his job — or your expectations of him — so that he has more flexible hours and isn’t required to clock in. If you do that, though, realize that you’re valuing family harmony a lot more than he is, which sucks but might be the reality of it.

– 2018

3. Employer wants to post photos of my kids online

I have a strict policy of my children’s images not being posted online. I learned, today, that my husband’s brand new employer is asking why he doesn’t have pictures of his children on his Facebook page, wants him to post pictures of his children online, and plans to take family pictures of us and post them on their website and Facebook page. I in no way want my husband to feel like the odd man out or to negatively impact their “family friendly” company marketing in any way. However, I don’t feel that I can compromise my children’s safety or happiness. Do you have any suggestions for how we navigate this?

My husband’s company is not one that relates to kids in any way. (Think roofers or similar.) They are a small, local company and are trying to show that they are all local families who are invested in the community so folks will choose them over some larger, multi-state company.

You’re completely entitled to keep photos of your kids offline!

Can he blame this on “family policy”? As in, “My wife and I have a strict family policy that we don’t post photos of our kids online.” He could add, “I’d be glad to appear in photos myself though” if he’s willing to do that.

It sounds like he might not have given them a clear “no, we’re not going to do this” yet, so hopefully once he does, they’ll back off. If for some reason they don’t, he can get firmer: “It’s just not an option for me. I share the company’s family-friendly values, and that means I can’t violate my family’s rules on this.”

– 2019

4. My boss deleted an email from my account

I have been at my job for a year and half, a small company in the interior design industry. Since I started, we have had a very (almost alarmingly) expensive health insurance program that has proved unaffordable for me over the past year. And it keeps getting more expensive. I wrote an email to my bosses and their office administrator (who handles all the details of the plan) asking if there was some way we could find a plan that was more affordable and more in line with what the average New Yorker pays monthly. I cited some reports from Kaiser Health News, along with some reports from the city and state, all showing that we are paying almost three times the average.

After sending this email, I was called into their office and one of my bosses scolded me for being disrespectful and not appreciating the amount of time she puts into researching/choosing our health insurance plan. And she insisted this plan was the best option for everyone and there was nothing more she could do. This clearly touched a nerve, as she seemed very upset and a little embarrassed. I conceded and just let them know I am having a hard time paying bills, noting that we haven’t received any indications of an annual salary increase to balance out the increase in insurance premiums.

Once I returned to my desk, I wanted to go back over the email to ensure nothing was too offensive in it, and it was completely gone from my sent mailbox. It was the only email that was missing. It was also deleted from the office administrator’s email before she read it and was away from her desk. When I mentioned this unusual phenomenon to my coworker, who has been at the company much longer than I have, she let me know this wasn’t the first time that our boss has gone into other people’s email to delete damaging emails from the record.

I did not bcc my personal email, and have no way of accessing the email any longer. I understand she technically owns the email and all of its content, but isn’t this bad business practice? Do I bring this up to her or do I let it go? Should I bring this up to her business partner/my other boss? We do not have an HR department, so there is no one else I can talk to about this.

Yeah — that’s not a normal thing for her to do. It’s a violation of trust and of office norms. It makes her look like she has something to hide, and that she’s too insecure to tolerate even a hint of questioning of her decisions. It also makes her look like a terrible manager and coworker.

If she’s one of two partners there, I don’t think there’s much to gain by raising it with the other partner. I’d just mentally file away this information so that you know your boss is untrustworthy, paranoid, and willing to do shady things if she thinks she’s being challenged.

– 2016