I Had A Verbal Agreement To Rent My Son's Condo Until I Died. He Died First, And His Wife Wants The Money. What Do I Do?

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• For Love & Money is a column from Business Insider answering your relationship and money questions.
• This week, a reader made a verbal agreement to rent their son's condo for $200,000.
• Our columnist says this is a chance to grow closer to their daughter-in-law.
• Got a question for our columnist? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.

Dear For Love & Money,

I made a verbal agreement with my son that I would pay him $2,000 a month to rent his condo. I paid the rent up front in the amount of $200,000, so I could live in the condo for around 10 years or until I died.

I did this because I am 88, can't see, and have a hell of a time doing business online. The upfront payment made my life simpler.

Recently, my son died. His wife wants to access the $200,000, which is currently in probate. Should I make a new agreement with the wife, or ask her to refund the unused rent payments so we can sign a real rental agreement? Can she force me out and keep the money?

Sincerely,

Zeroed Out

Dear Zeroed Out,

I am so sorry for your loss. No parent should ever have to bury a child. I can only imagine how hard this must be for you.

Grief makes us feel powerless, because what is a tragedy if not the harshest reminder that, ultimately, we aren't in control? This painful recognition is frightening, even to the point of paranoia at times. It can cause us to see trusted loved ones as potential threats.

I don't know if this is the case with your daughter-in-law. You didn't say what your relationship with her looks like, but that relationship — whether it's loving, supportive, close, or not — is the answer to your question.

You paid your son all the rent upfront, and that money now belongs to his wife. With no lease agreement, technically, she could probably kick you out and keep the money.

However, with the massive caveat that I've never met your daughter-in-law, I have a hard time believing she would rob an 88-year-old of their rent money and put them out on the street, especially when that 88-year-old raised her late husband.

To do that, she would have to be a truly vile person. Did your son marry someone like that? If the answer is no, I don't think you need to worry about your living situation.

If you're not sure, start by asking for a more formal contract. You could frame it as an unfinished task — something you and your son always meant to get to but never quite did.

However, remember that both of you are grieving. She lost her husband. You lost your son. There are few, if any, other people in the world who are experiencing his loss as acutely as the two of you. As you work on solving the financial logistics of housing, life insurance, and estate planning, try to work through it together. Use your shared grief and the struggles — financial and otherwise — that accompany it to grow closer.

As you discuss her plans, the condo is sure to come up. You will either be reassured by what she tells you, or you'll know it's time to start looking for a new place and begin broaching the topic of those unused rent payments. Either way, the conversation will grow from the soil of friendship and mutual support, not anxiety and distrust.

If you're close enough with your daughter-in-law to be certain she is trustworthy, you can always just come out and ask her if she is okay with continuing the agreement you had with your son. As long as you don't come off accusatory or preemptively angry with her decision, I'm sure she will understand your need to clarify your living situation.

However you decide to address it, remember that your peace of mind doesn't have to cost you another child. Your son wouldn't have wanted that for either of you.

Rooting for you,

For Love & Money

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