I Am Living The Absolute Worst Nightmare Of A Coparenting Situation, And I No Longer Have Any Control Over My Own Life And Wellbeing. I Am So Worried For My Kids. I Know I Need Legal Help, But I'm Hoping To Learn A Little Bit About What That Looks Like And What I Can Expect. Tia

Maine, USA

I really need some serious help right now. I am in the middle of the absolute worst nightmare of a coparenting situation right now. It has been six months of me taking the highroad, being there for my kids every single time I need to be, giving them the care they deserve, treating my ex the way I expect to be treated, and being the absolute best father that I can possibly be. My ex on the other hand, is literally trying to destroy my life in the most hateful and vindictive ways. There is not one situation, where she does not try to make an absolute mess, and be more hateful and selfish than anyone I’ve ever seen in my life. I will list below some of the things I’ve had to deal with so far:

• My daughter has asthma. She has been to pulmonology, and has a prescribed treatment plan, and an inhaler that she is supposed to use every morning and night. it has been an ongoing battle for six months to get my ex to give her that medication. My daughter‘s pediatrician has become involved. my daughter is 4, and still reports that she “doesn’t do her inhaler most days at Mom‘s“. When her inhaler at her mom’s finally ran out, my ex went to my daughter‘s preschool and took the inhaler that I paid for and gave her teacher so she has one at school.

• My ex lives with her 17-year-old sister, who drives my kids to and from school almost every day. My older daughter reports that she gets to be a big girl and not ride in a car seat when her aunt takes her to school.

• My ex constantly abandons me with the girls, when it is her day to have them. I have missed two appointments that I have documentation of, because she thinks she can tell me to figure it out when it’s inconvenient for her to be there when she needs to be. I recently told her, that if she’s not there when she needs to be to pick them up, they will be with me all day. She doesn’t get to use my time, make me scramble to find childcare, make me miss appointments, just so she can show up at whatever point of the day she wants to. She did this to me today, made me have to find childcare, drive half an hour in the opposite direction of my appointment, and then an hour and a half to my appointment. I was in my appointment while she was demanding. I meet her to give her the kids, and when I returned home, I got a phone call from the town police that she had filed a report. Also that she didn’t have to show up in the morning, like it is her responsibility to do when the kids school is closed.

• When we meet for exchanges, she will intentionally make sure I don’t get them at the time I ask for them, or vice versa. At the last drop off, she was 20 minutes late, without a word of heads up to me, even though she lives 2 minutes from our exchange spot. Things like that are constant. The absolute disrespect for me and my time and my schedule is just out of control.

• She has shown up twice at my house, demanding things from me, like my child’s medication that I paid to fill and will never get back if I give it to her. The last time, she and her sister circled my house for 45 minutes, pounding on doors and windows, screaming at me through the wall, and refusing to leave, all with my children in the car, watching and waiting.

• Absolutely anything that goes to her house, will not be returned. They can’t even bring toys they like with them, because I’ve never gotten one back. She sends both kids to me without underwear on at every drop off, no exaggeration. She has more articles of clothing of mine than I could ever count.

• I have requested multiple times that she stop contacting and involving my family, mostly my mom- and she just won’t stop doing it. She blatantly lies to them about what is happening, makes up stories that make her the victim in every situation, and says them with such ease. This Christmas was my day with the girls- we agreed on a calender (that I have record of) in the beginning of December. Christmas was my day- she harassed me the day before Christmas, and straight through Christmas, eventually started contacting my mom, literally during Christmas dinner to say that it was her day. I have our calendar, clear as day, her pick up was the morning of the 26th. I have had to block her and her sister’s cells, as a last attempt to try and regain control over my mood and emotions while the girls are with me. She would harass me and say the most disrespectful and intentionally hurtful things when she knew I had the girls and was doing something special.

• She has used so many people to care for my kids so she can go out and party with her friends. She found a parent of a child that goes to my daughter’s preschool that she could use, knowing nothing about their home situation or who and what she is exposing our kids to. I have to try and live with the concern of knowing my children are at what is essentially a stranger’s house, having dinner with them, being brought to and from school by them, I suspect but have not confirmed that they spend the night there.

• The absolute blatant irresponsibility and carelessness that she has right now, without a concern- recently my daughter told me a story about how her little sister was crying in the morning, asking for mom, so my older daughter went OUTSIDE the house looking for her, because the 17 year old aunt who was left responsible for them was fast asleep. They live in an apartment building in a pretty run down part of town, surrounded by other apartment buildings, and my 4 year old daughter was wandering out and around the side of the building to check for her mom’s car.

• This one will sound petty, but it is a big deal to me- my ex knows how important things like santa, the easter bunny, the tooth fairy, etc are to me, because I remember being a kid, with great parents, who made those moments so special for me. I’ve looked forward to having kids to share that with, my whole life. But my ex knew santa wasn’t real when she was 4 apparently, and doesn’t regard my feelings and our kids feelings, whatsoever. My older daughter is so excited about the tooth fairy, and has lost several teeth already. The last time she did, she was with her mom, and disappointedly told me that she didn’t come, and that mom said “sometimes the tooth fairy just forgets”- the deflated look in her face as she tells me that. I promised her that the tooth fairy never forgets at dad’s, but she is an overthinker, and I know every time she loses a tooth now, she’ll put it under her pillow and think, “I wonder if she’ll forget me tonight”, and that KILLS me.

• She has not acknowledged, or apologized one singular time to me in six months. The number of times she has messed up my schedule, so she doesn’t have to change hers, all while practically laughing at me and calling me disgusting names, never to acknowledge that it’s wrong or to apologize for it. The way I have to feel, knowing my child is not being medicated properly, and knowing there is absolutely no reason or excuse for it, while she laughs it off and ignores me every time I voice a concern. Knowing my kids are being transported to school by a child, and without a carseat. I have voiced that concern no less than 5 times, and have yet to receive a response that even acknowledges or addresses it.

I have piles of evidence, for everything I voiced above. I just literally don’t know how useful it all is, or what it actually takes to get more custody of my children, and get my life back. My life is so unlivable right now, and the helplessness I feel makes me sick every day. The incredibly selfish disregard for any of my concerns or feelings as their father, the disregard for my wellbeing, even when I have the kids, with such hateful and motivated intent to hurt me and break me down. And it’s 100X worse than what I was able to fit in this post- it’s every. single. day. of my life. Intentionally making my life unmanageable.

I know I need a lawyer, and I need to go to court, but it’s very daunting. All of this is so incredibly unnecessary, when I am doing absolutely everything I need to do on my end. She doesn’t have a single story to tell about a time that I wasn’t there, because I always am. I guess I’m just hoping to talk to anybody that has been through a similar situation. Is there an outcome where I actually have control of my life back? Will there ever be actual repercussions for her refusing to care for the kids on her days? What does it truly take to gain more custody? Is there any way that she could be held responsible for all of the legal fees, because of all the evidence I have to show how unmanageable she makes this week after week? Where do I turn, how do I start? I plan to start calling places tomorrow, but I was hoping to chat with anyone who has been through this before I do. Thanks for reading.