5 Ways To Be Kind To Someone With Whom You Disagree

Kindness in dialogue is powerful, especially when we’re speaking with someone we disagree with. It opens up not only relational doors but intellectual doors. It helps us to like each other more and understand each other better.

When we sincerely wish others well, it comes across. People can tell. Similarly, when what’s in your heart toward someone is contempt and a “rolling of the eyes” attitude, this also will come across. People usually pick up on what’s going on in our hearts as we talk to them. They can feel either our respect or our disdain.

When someone senses we have goodwill and respect for them, it enables them to lower their defenses and hear what we’re saying. Sincere kindness can therefore help us make progress in a disagreement. It unmakes caricatures and promotes understanding of what the other side is saying. Someone once said, about preaching, that unless love is felt, the message is not heard. So it is in our conversations.

Here are five ways to be sincerely kind to someone you disagree with.

1. Prepare your heart ahead of time.

The next time you’re approaching a conversation you anticipate being difficult, take time to pray for the person with whom you disagree. Get your heart into a place where you genuinely wish him well. Pray earnest blessings on him. Humble yourself before him. Try to lean toward him with genuine openness, showing respect for his dignity and complexity as a person made in God’s image.

People usually pick up on what’s going on in our hearts as we talk to them. They can feel either our respect or our disdain.

This is difficult to do because during a disagreement we’ll generally be tempted to place the other party into a category based on the nature of our disagreement—to see him as on the “other side.” We must work actively to remember his humanity and avoid “othering” him. We must seek to avoid despising him no matter what flaws he may have or what our concerns may be.

2. Protect your heart from feeding contempt.

Avoid speaking contemptuously about the other person to others. It’s difficult to switch gears in your heart orientation to someone when you transition from speaking about her to speaking to her. If you speak respectfully about her to others, it’s more natural to do so in her presence.

3. Consider the other person’s unique perspective.

Consider the experiences (and above all the suffering) that may stand behind his disagreement with you. He hasn’t randomly arrived at his views. Particular events have shaped them. There’s often more pain and fear going on in the people around us than we can realize. Bearing this in mind may not change the disagreement, but it can give us more compassion along the way.

4. Pray for the other person.

In ministry, I’ve often been overwhelmed by the amount of pain in people’s lives. Sometimes I think, What can I possibly do to help? In those moments, offering prayer is an amazingly effective resource.

We don’t need to be sufficient in ourselves. We just commend people to God and ask him to intervene. God can touch people in ways we cannot.

The person with whom you disagree may not be open to you praying for her, or it might feel condescending. But you can still pray for her privately. And I’m regularly amazed at how often people are OK with us praying for them, including some who may not even believe in prayer.

I don’t recall a single time when I’ve offered to pray for someone and the offer has been rejected. This is a way to show kindness even when you disagree.

5. Offer encouraging words.

People need encouragement more than we’re likely to notice.

Sometimes we simply forget to encourage people. At other times, we’re with people who appear successful or confident, and we don’t realize they still need encouragement. It helps to have an intentional plan. A simple step, like a planned daily or weekly text message of encouragement, can go a long way.

People need encouragement more than we’re likely to notice.

As I’ve practiced this, I’ve been amazed at how frequently someone writes back by saying something like “This came at exactly the right time” or “I really needed to hear that today.” I’ve concluded that most people, most of the time, need encouragement.

When you disagree with someone, speak encouraging words and see how it might open up doorways.

As you practice these ways of being sincerely kind to someone you disagree with, join me in praying, “Jesus, give us wisdom to know what kindness looks like and strength to show kindness to everyone, no matter what we’re facing!”