Break Shame’s Chains Through Christ

An older friend once told me the story of a girl he dated for three years. (I’ll call my friend “John” and his girlfriend “Sue” for this story.)

John and Sue were close and on track to get married. John was planning his proposal, but one thing nagged at him: He’d never told Sue about his past.

So, one day John asked Sue to dinner to discuss their relationship. He told her he didn’t want to enter marriage with secrets and proceeded to explain his past sins and mistakes. Sue listened quietly. When John finished, he held his breath, waiting for her response.

After a moment, Sue excused herself to go to the bathroom, where she remained for an unusually long time. (The waiter even asked John if she was coming back.) When Sue finally returned, she said she needed time to think about what he’d shared. John described the drive home as “awkwardly silent.”

A few days later, Sue told John she was ready to talk. John drove over nervously. Sue got straight to the point and spoke a few words that have stuck with John for more than 25 years: “John, I’m sorry. But I don’t think I can move forward with marrying you.”

They broke up. John was left reeling. He began to think more about his past sins, experiencing deep shame. He wondered if his past made him unfit to marry anyone.

Don’t worry. There’s a happy ending—John has been joyfully married to someone else for more than two decades now. But John’s experience with Sue is everyone’s worst nightmare. We fear that if we were really known, we’d be tolerated at best, abandoned at worst, and certainly not wanted. Deep down, we fear that if God and others saw our messiest parts—our sins, insecurities, traumas, and impurities—they’d say, “I’m sorry, but I just can’t imagine loving someone like you.”

Sources of Shame

Shame comes in many different forms, from many different causes. Sometimes we feel shame because of external causes—sins done to us that make us feel impure. But while others may have kickstarted our shame, we don’t always need others to keep it going. Over time, we can become experts at shaming ourselves, often without realizing it:

• You slept in until when? Lazy.
• You ate what? No wonder you’re fat.
• You said what? How could you be so stupid?
• You missed her event? Some friend you are.
• You were impatient with your kids? A good parent would never.
• How are you still not married? Not a homeowner? Not a parent? What’s wrong with you? You’re so far behind.
• Why don’t you read the Bible more? Pray more? Serve more? Exercise more? Sleep more? Read more? Study more? Work more? Journal more? Pursue your hobbies more? Spend time with your family more? You’re not enough. You’ll never be enough.

Self-shaming is a defense mechanism rooted in the belief that we’re unlovable to God and others. We voice the harsh words we fear others are thinking—as if beating them to the punch might soften the blow or inspire us to change. Ironically, self-shaming doesn’t protect us; it only perpetuates harmful lies and keeps us in bondage.

Self-shaming is a defense mechanism rooted in the belief that we’re unlovable to God and others.

Shame often grows through small but consistent applications. One author observes that the first thought many of us have upon waking is “I didn’t get enough sleep,” and the last thought before falling asleep at night is “I didn’t get enough done,” and everything in between whispers, “You’re not enough.” Satan is perfectly content playing the long game. He thrives on whispering subtle lies that slowly and quietly bury us beneath a mountain of shame.

Satan wants to use shame to drive you away from Jesus. He knows that in Christ’s presence, shame is released. But if you take one thing from this article, let it be this: Jesus is the remedy to your shame, not the cause. He is who you need most in your brokenness and sin.

Steps Toward Freedom from Shame

Feeling shame doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. The capacity to feel it, to experience remorse, is a sign of empathy and mental health. But while the capacity to feel shame is healthy, living in shame is destructive. Consider these three ways to engage with shame to move toward freedom.

1. Reject vague accusations (press them until they’re specific).

Satan loves keeping accusations foggy and ambiguous:

• “You’re a failure.”
• “You’re worthless.”
• “You’re not good enough.”
• “You’re a bad _______” (spouse, parent, child, sibling, friend, pastor, Christian).

These statements are harsh enough to inflict pain but vague enough to prevent action. You can’t fight what you can’t name, nor can you experience the grace of God and others for something you can’t identify.

When tempted to see yourself as a failure, ask, “What specifically makes me a failure?” Perhaps you sinned—Jesus died to cleanse and forgive you (1 John 1:9). Maybe you let someone down—Jesus can empower you to apologize and seek restoration (Matt. 5:23–24). Perhaps you didn’t meet your expectations—Jesus loves you the same and still has good planned (Ps. 23:6). You may have messed up (we all have). But we serve a God of second (and third and fourth and ten thousandth) chances.

When you force accusations to be specific, you’ll uncover lies that can be discarded and allow any constructive truths that remain to be catalysts for growth and action.

2. Separate fact from feeling (move from ‘I am’ to ‘I feel’ statements).

Instead of “I failed an exam; I’m such a disappointment,” say, “I failed an exam, and now I feel like a disappointment.”

This shift validates our feelings but separates what we did (the action) from who we are (our identity). Your feelings don’t define your identity. Nor do your sins, mistakes, or unmet expectations. God defines your identity, and your worth and dignity are found in who he calls you (Col. 3:12).

Shifting from “I am” to “I feel” allows us to question whether our feelings are rooted in truth or distortion and positions us to respond to their claims in productive and God-honoring ways.

3. Speak—and speak to—your feelings.

Once you’ve separated fact from feeling, speak your feelings. We do this in two ways: prayer and confession.

Speak Your Feelings to God Through Prayer

God doesn’t say, “First get rid of your negative feelings, then come to me.” He says, “Come to me with your negative feelings and let me help you” (see Matt. 11:28–30).

Remember, in God’s presence shame is released. Prayer is less of an obligation and more of an invitation to let God carry our burdens (Phil. 4:6–7; 1 Pet. 5:7). So “pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us” (Ps. 62:8).

Speak Your Feelings to Others Through Confession

Confessing our sins to others is essential for healing (James 5:16). Yet confession isn’t limited to sin. We practice confession every time we allow ourselves to be seen and known by others. Perhaps no practice is more powerful to reveal shame’s lies and break its hold.

One of the primary ways we understand and experience God’s grace and love is when we encounter the grace and love of his people. When someone knows the worst about us but remains committed to us in love, we see a picture of God. Confession can be scary at first, but it’s one of God’s sweetest gifts and most powerful tools for releasing shame.

Speak to Your Feelings Through God’s Word

Finally, we must speak to our feelings with God’s truth. Here are some examples:

• “I feel unlovable, but God says I’m dearly loved” (see Col. 3:12).
• “I feel condemned, but God says he doesn’t condemn me” (see John 8:11; Rom. 8:1; 1 John 3:20).
• “I feel worthless, but Jesus loves me so much that it was worth it to him to give up his life to have me forever” (see Rom. 5:6–8).

God never tells us to ignore our feelings. He tells us to speak to our feelings with God’s Word. When your feelings threaten to take you captive, take them captive with God’s promises (2 Cor. 10:5).

Rest in God’s Promises

One of my favorite verses is 1 John 3:20: “Even if we feel guilty, God is greater than our feelings, and he knows everything” (NLT).

When your feelings threaten to take you captive, take them captive with God’s promises.

The gospel tells us that there’s an unchanging and objective reality greater than our feelings: Regardless of how you feel on a given day, you’re fully and forever loved by the God who knows you completely (see Rom. 5:6–8).

True freedom doesn’t come from hiding our shame but from being fully known and loved by the Savior who took on shame to make us clean. On the cross, Jesus hung naked—bearing all our shame—so we could stand forever in God’s approval without blemish (Eph. 5:25–27).

Bring your shame to Jesus. He loves you, he’s for you, and he waits to replace your shame with freedom and intimacy.