What To Do After You Swipe Right: Wisdom For Online Dating

I met and married my wife, Crystal, in the most old-fashioned way possible. We went to the same high school. Our church youth groups went to the same Christian summer camp. We went on our first date when I was 17 years old. I’ve never gone on a date with anyone else.

The way Crystal and I met and married resembles the way my great-great grandparents met and married.

Now I’m a pastor at a church full of college students and young adults. From listening to their dating stories, I know the first step toward a relationship often happens digitally. Whether the couples first “meet” each other on Instagram or pursue a relationship through a dating app, our digital world is reshaping how we date and whom we marry.

As I counsel those seeking to wisely navigate online dating, I offer a few principles to guide them.

Strengths of Online Dating

A digital starting point is fine. Lots of our first steps toward meaningful connections start digitally these days, from looking for a new job to finding a church home.

One of the strengths of many online dating services is that they begin with thorough background data for you to consider. As a Christian, you’re able to consider basic issues of conviction and worldview before you dive deeply into a relationship. So long as you and the other person offer honest answers, you more deeply understand his or her beliefs than we did in the “old world” of dating.

But while a digital starting point is all right, this isn’t a final destination. We were created by God as embodied image-bearers. Therefore, deep relationships of commitment require we progress toward embodiment.

Weaknesses of Online Dating

The digital approach to starting a relationship has obvious weaknesses. You learn so much from in-person observation that you can’t capture in a profile picture and personal description. It’s also easy to lie online. Maybe it doesn’t feel like lying, but a perfect profile picture and exaggerated description of your strengths—even if that’s what you’re expected to do—presents another person with a manipulated version of you.

Deep relationships of commitment require we progress toward embodiment.

In addition, online interactions prioritize physical appearance—in fact, some apps shouldn’t be used because that’s the only metric they offer. Dating apps are also almost entirely individualistic. The process is designed to feature you, to cater to you, to match you with someone you think is attractive or smart enough. While this might seem empowering, it’s limiting. In-person connections allow friends and family to enhance your discernment and protect you. They also allow you to get to know—and maybe like—someone whose profile you might have rejected.

Wisdom for Online Dating

That’s why moving from online to in-person dating should be your top priority after meeting someone who sparks your interest. But that process requires careful wisdom. Let me give you three concrete areas to consider.

1. You need wisdom in making those initial meet-ups happen.

Be sure your first meetings are in a public place where trust can be built safely. Coffee shops are great places to meet for a first chat. Walking outside in a well-lit place (preferably one with lots of people) is an easy way to begin to have meaningful conversations.

2. You need wisdom as you invite a person you’ve met online into real-world interactions with your friends and family.

If you’re dating with the purpose of pursuing marriage, you need to intentionally invite the people who know you the best to give their unvarnished insights and encouragements (or discouragements) (Prov. 11:14). Take this step soon enough in the relationship to get their input before you’ve made a deep emotional commitment.

3. You need wisdom to determine the time you’ll invest to grow your relationship before you consider marriage.

I’ve always encouraged the four seasons approach to dating: Observe a person in spring, summer, fall, and winter before you commit to spending the rest of your life with him or her. I know this schedule may not be possible for all couples, but the important principle is to observe your potential spouse in various situations over a substantial period of time.

Intentionally invite the people who know you the best to give their unvarnished insights and encouragements.

No matter where your relationship begins—whether in show choir at North Polk High School or through a direct message on Instagram—it must have extended time in physical, face-to-face proximity to grow in depth before you move toward marriage. Don’t rush into a lifetime commitment.

Where do you get all this wisdom you’re going to need? From fearing the Lord (Prov. 1:7). Reading his Word (Matt. 7:24). Asking him for help (James 1:5).

As a general habit, I love using the Lord’s Prayer to shape my life morning, noon, and night. As we pray “Let your will be done” over a new relationship, we learn to lean into God’s desires over our own. As we pray “Give us today our daily bread,” we’re reminded to trust God’s provision for all our needs. Prayer slows our rush toward a commitment that isn’t flowing from a place of peaceful security in Christ.

May God grant you the wisdom you need to navigate the complexities of online dating.